You’ll find someone better. 

‘You’ll find someone better’.

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say.

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F.
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time.
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long.
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.

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M.I.A

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.

I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.

Therapy:

So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.

I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.

My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session.  Continue reading “M.I.A”