Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you. 

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning. 

I’ve done so much these past three weeks F. I think you’d be so proud of me and so happy for me. If only you could see how generally smiley and perky I am at times. In situations that I used to hate but now thrive in. How I’m dealing with my thoughts and behaviours. How I’m learning to believe and accept I’m responsible for my behaviour and that I’m the only who is capable of changing that.

I’ve been socialising so much. I’m so much friendlier. I feel more approachable.  I even speak to people on train journeys now. I’m asking questions. I’m showing interest in people. I’m no longer running home from work to message you or to see you. I’m doing me for a while and it’s paying off. 

I’ve gone drinking with work this week. Played fun drinking games. A shot roulette. You would have cringed at the shot I got bought and been almost sick at what I bought the person after me: whiskey, aperol and milk! I know, it’s disgusting but it was such a pretty colour, even if it did curdle. 

People at work have been open with me. They said I’ve always been so positive. That I always seem so perky. Some of them hadn’t even realised that I’d been dumped and was heart broken. They said I’m always so happy and positive. How polite I am. See F, I am a good person.  I can be positive and I can be happy. I’m sorry I just lost that with you and found it harder to hard from you. But I’m learning not to hide it any more. I’ve told some people at work about my anxiety and depression and although they were shocked they didn’t judge me. And I feel such a weight off my shoulders. I feel I can finally be open about everything. I don’t have to hide it and burden it on the select few I choose. I can relieve that and just say I’m having a shit day and not worry about hiding it. No more turning to You, or my parents or Bee, and making you all miserable with me. Instead I can just be vocal and lose myself in conversation and socialising at work as they all seem so keen to keep me involved with things and help. 

Sorry it took so long for me to relieve your pressure. But things had to change from my perspective before anything else could change and as I wrote in my blog about change, I’m finally there. I’m finally embracing change. 

I went to St. Neots this weekend. I bit the bullet and travelled up there despite my anxiety trying to win. I went even though I was worried about Bee’s friend who moaned about me on twitter. I went even though I didn’t want to do the train journey up there. I went, even though I felt I couldn’t. Not when I was meant to have been going to Orient vs Woking away with you and your friends. But I did it! I went with very little issue and resistance and I had fun! I saw the Dragon boat races, tried the dresses on and had a fun, girly evening with my bestie and the other girls with bottles of prosecco and cards against humanity! I forgot I needed to do these kind of things. I forgot to socialise. I forgot the importance of keeping my friendships. I’m sorry I  became so reliant on you. I’m sorry. 

I’m happier F, not because we’re not together but because I’ve realised I am my own person and can be okay! I’m not all bad. I just need to be more open and honest and learn to say yes more. 

However, I have a slight niggle. It’s not helping me. I appreciate you sending me messages and hearing from you but please don’t when you know that you were the one to end it. You were the one who never saw a future. You’ve got to stop giving me that belief. That little ray of hope of returning to normality with you. Because I can’t do that as friends. I could only do that with you if there was a chance of a future. There was too much there for me between us to just pretend to be friends. It hurts more than not talking to you. 

Why do you message? Why do you keep the conversation going? Please, just stop. It’s not helping. Please don’t like my Instagram photos either. I don’t need your likes nor do I want them anymore. I don’t want your pitty on a photo that only got a couple of likes. You’re not interested in my life F. You’re not interested me. So why do it? 

I wish so much that you did all that because you still liked me. That you still saw a future for us. But I’m facing reality and facts and know that you have no intention of that. So please, don’t. Unless I’m wrong? But I doubt that. I never was right when it came to anything between us. You always were right. Haha. 

Thank you, but no thank you bubs. I can’t keep facing the disappointment and wondering. 

But look F, I’m living.  I’m coping. I’m surviving and I’m doing it just fine. I miss you so much. And I crave your touch. Your hug. Your kiss and your love. But I’m getting by and I’m changing and that’s all I can keep doing for now. I just wish you could see it for yourself F, I think you’d love this other version of me so much more. 

Siggy

You’ll find someone better.ย 

You’ll find someone better’. 

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say. 

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F. 
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time. 
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long. 
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.

Eureka! ๐Ÿ’ก

It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:

Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I’d never see the day

They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.

So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.

Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! ๐Ÿ’ก”

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”

Day dedicated to L.O.V.E

I may be a week late but I’ve finally got around to blogging it: my first Valentine’s Day with someone that I love ย ๐Ÿ™‚ And what a night it was! I’m a bit of a lucky girl I’ll have you know. Seeming as I thought I knew F quite well, and knew that he wasn’t the surprising type or overly romantic he definitely bowled me over when I turned up to his on Tuesday evening.20170214_202832_edited

I was requested to get there at 8 and at 8 I got there. Not quite on the dot but I got there.
I didn’t expect anything special from F because I told him I wasn’t into things like that. But it seems he knows me a hell of a lot better than I know myself. I walked in, mellow magic was playing on the radio and I spied the table.

The dinner table was set accompanied with two red tealights and two larger red ca20170215_110502_editedndles. It was so romantic. He informed me that the candles were there because he knows how much I love a good candle! I then spotted the champagne flutes on the breakfast bar and he comes over and gives me flowersย ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ’. Seeming as they make him sneeze I couldn’t believe that I was being given them. They were a beautiful bunch with a red sparkly heart in the middle of them. Continue reading “Day dedicated to L.O.V.E”