Eureka! ūüí°

It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:

Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I’d never see the day

They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.

So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.

Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! ūüí°”

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Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”

404 Error

How many times have we all, over the years,seen the error message 404 error pop up when we tried to enter a URL for a site. The error? That now, apparently, the site no longer exists, was moved or deleted. Or we  typed in the URL wrong or the server responsible for the website is not running and the connection is broken.

At the moment I feel that my actions and behaviours are a result of a connection in my brain not running or simply being broken. I feel like I have regressed and facing a few errors. Maybe I am typing the URL in wrong or perhaps something has moved or been erased causing me to fall back into old ways.
I’ll stop with the analogy for now, especially as I don’t know a great deal about technology but it seemed to fit with what I was going with. So bare with.

Continue reading “404 Error”

Wait for me!

Ever get the feeling that everyone else around you is in drive mode and speeding in the fast lane¬†yet you’re still stuck in park or maybe even reverse? Yeah, me too!

When I was younger I had a plan. I think most people do have a plan on how they want their life to turn out. I had the idea that I would be moved out, living on my own straight out of University, working in a job in the city and in a steady, long term relationship by the time I reached this ripe old age of early 20’s. But life doesn’t go to plan. It always has to throw a curve ball in here or there to shake things up a bit, especially if we feel we’re on our way to achieving our goals.

Where am I currently? I am most certainly not on track, no where near. I still live at home, I don’t have a big fancy job in the city, and I have anxiety and depression. I know, I know it could be worse, I know that, but for me, I have always been quite a goal driven achiever and right now I feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing at this thing we call¬†life.¬†There isn’t a right or a wrong way to live life or get through it but we all have our ideals and I am not achieving that. At times I feel like my life is going backwards instead of forwards and it’s so infuriating.

It’s even harder when those around you are moving so fast and achieving so much. Of course I am happy for them, how could I not be?! But each time I hear their good news it is a hard hitting reminder that I’m not where I want to be. Not even close.

Continue reading “Wait for me!”

Superpower

Have you ever sat there and thought about a superpower that you would love to have? Recently I have been thinking a lot about it. Such a weird thing to think about seeming as it is something that will never happen because unfortunately superpowers only exist in movies.

Invisibility. Time travel. Superhuman Strength. Night Vision. Time manipulation. Power Mimicry. Immortality. Telepathy. Talking to animals. Flying. These are all superpowers we wish we could have.

I had a bit of a google at all the different Superpowers people wished they had. And I came across invulnerability. I had never thought of this superpower before but I can see why people would want it. One website described it in the sense that it gives the person immunity to physical, mental, or spiritual damage. Such as never having to worry about getting injured or the one that I can relate to: suffering from depression.
In a sense it would be great to invulnerability but at the same time I think we are dealt these things in life to test us. I think when you do feel pain, or hurt, or sadness it brings a whole other aspect to your life. Without sadness we wouldn’t appreciate the happiness. Without pain, we wouldn’t realise how lucky we are when we are healthy. If we don’t get hurt, then we will never be brave. If we don’t make mistakes, we won’t ever learn. If you don’t fail at something, you can never relish in the feeling of success. I think we need to feel the bad things in life. Yes at the time they hurt and we wish we didn’t have to deal with it, but I think in the end, you come out a better, stronger, braver person that can look back and say ‘I got through that’ and be proud of how far they have come.

Continue reading “Superpower”

Follow-up

Can you believe it has been three weeks since I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety?! And this baby From Mad Girl to Made Girl is two and a half weeks old! Where has the time gone!

I can’t hide the fact that I was anxiously counting down to this appointment. Three weeks after being given my diagnosis and being sent away to try new tablets and to sort out therapy, it was time for a follow-up. Another chance to inspect at how I was¬†getting on.

As I am sure you can tell from a few of my posts, I have been struggling despite being on Fluoxetine. I was told they wouldn’t begin to work until about a week after taking them, so I wasn’t expecting miracles. But after three weeks and religiously taking them at the same time every day, I really don’t feel any sort of improvement.
If anything, my anxiety and depression has been just as bad. Although now, I am finding myself crying more publicly because I just can’t hold it back anymore. Throughout these three weeks, I don’t think there has been a day where I haven’t just wanted to give up. There wasn’t a single day where I was anxious free or didn’t have a low point. I know that’s not the point of the tablets. I know they aren’t miracle workers. But I was hoping it would ease it. Make it easier to get on with everyday life things. But it hasn’t.

I struggle so much to get out of bed most days. I am not sleeping until gone 4 in the morning and even when I do drop off I am up throughout the night. The second I wake up my mind is already anxiously overthinking situations. I can’t even pinpoint what it is worrying about half the time. It just fills me with a sense of dread and fear. A fear I can’t shake off. I’ve broken down into tears most days in my bedroom because I just can’t cope feeling like this all the time. I’m not living. I’m literally a living, breathing being with no life in her at times.

Continue reading “Follow-up”

Keep Calm!

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm. I don’t want to alert anyone or set off any panic stations, but today, no, scrap that, this weekend was the first time in a long,¬†long, time that I have felt happy.

Yes, I know, I almost fainted at the news too! And no, you didn’t read that wrong either, you read the word¬†happy¬†ūüėÄ. In all honesty I forgot what it was like to genuinely smile, have sore abs from laughing so much and a clicking jaw from where I’m smiling so much. But boys and girls, that was me all weekend. I experienced this happiness again. And what a welcome back it was.

There was just something about this weekend that was picture perfect. I felt I could let go of my anxiety, worries and depression for just a bit. I could block it out. Remember what it was like to be me, the¬†happy, colourful girl¬†again. Me and F seemed like us again. We were laughing with each other. Real laughter, real smiles, real happiness. We had jokes, silly moments and loving moments. I really felt F was in love with me again and could see that I was this happy girl and that this depression and anxiety wasn’t going to win. We even went shopping together. Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s only shopping but to me it wasn’t. I’m not a fan of going shopping. Food shopping yes, clothes and other bits and bobs shopping not so much. But F needed to get my Valentine’s Day present and I Just didn’t want to be left on my own at home so he let me join him (What a sweetie! ūüėė). We did go our separate ways for a bit but then we met up and walked around a couple of shops together. We tried clothes on in one shop. It was so naturally grown up and I actually enjoyed shopping with him.

Continue reading “Keep Calm!”

One Prozac a day…

Husband’s a CPA.

For those of you who are Bowling for Soup fans you would have noticed that the title of this blog comes from the song¬†1985.¬†Thought I’d try lightening it up a bit before I get real heavy and deep!

I wasn’t going to post a blog today but I’m struggling. Really struggling. And I am on my own and got no one I can immediately turn to right now, so hi! You’re the lucky one, you get me turning to you. You get to hear me go on and on, moaning about things, how lucky are you?! (I give you permission to walk away now to save you haha).

Fluoxetine. You’re meant to be helping me. You’re meant to be my one tablet a day that sends off those happy hormones known as serotonin into my brain. You’re meant to make me more balanced. More stable. More able to handle life. It seems you’re doing the opposite. You’re not helping. It feels you’re hindering me more than helping. There’s points that I do find myself thanking you and thanking the fact that for just a few times here and there you have made the anxiety less. But you have made my depression even more apparent. You’ve made me realise underneath the anxiety, I am empty. I am sad. And these past two days have been hard. Harder than I could have imagined. I scared myself today. The thoughts running through my head. The things I was saying to myself. They became more powerful than normal. I had to get out the house. I couldn’t take another minute of sitting on the bathroom floor in tears. I wish I knew why these tears keep burning my cheeks. I wish I knew why you weren’t working. Why the hormone serotonin wasn’t overpowering the negativity in my brain.

Continue reading “One Prozac a day…”

Pitiful Taboo

There’s no balance with how people treat you once they know you have mental health issues – I hate how that sounds, and I hate using the word mental health. There feels such a taboo with it. But of course there isn’t. There should be no feeling of stigma or the sense of the unmentionable when talking about mental health.

I fully understand mental health is hard to understand. There’s not always physical symptoms or a real way to really diagnose someone with mental health problems. There’s no education on mental health yet we’re always told if we feel unwell with a broken leg to go get a cast at hospital, or had a headache for a few days, we’re encouraged to take paracetamol and sleep it off.¬†If we fall over and graze our knee and blood is pouring, we don’t just simply ignore it. We treat it, make sure it doesn’t get infected and nurse it for a couple of days until the scab does it job and it starts to heal.

Yet with mental health, I have witnessed first hand very rigid views, pitiful looks and some obscure comments. It seems that a broken heart after the end of a relationship is understood and treated so much more than those who are suffering from mental health problems.

In the past two weeks since I got my diagnosis and slowly told those around me, bare in mind only those that I need to or feel I can trust or if I am in a situation where I need to, I have received a various amount of reactions. I want to say everyone tried their best to understand how I was feeling and what I was going through but I don’t think anyone truly did and that’s fine. I don’t think you can fully comprehend depression or anxiety unless you have suffered from it yourself or someone close to you has.
For the most part, the people I have told have had positive reactions. However, I have also had a few weird ones which have made me feel uncomfortable.

Continue reading “Pitiful Taboo”