Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination.
Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter’s day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways.
Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn’t care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn’t going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work.
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself.
On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people’s advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. Continue reading “Progress Update 103”→
It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:
Things are looking up
I thought I’d never see the day
They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.
So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.
Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! 💡”→
Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.
This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.
All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”→
How many times have we all, over the years,seen the error message 404 error pop up when we tried to enter a URL for a site. The error? That now, apparently, the site no longer exists, was moved or deleted. Or we typed in the URL wrong or the server responsible for the website is not running and the connection is broken.
At the moment I feel that my actions and behaviours are a result of a connection in my brain not running or simply being broken. I feel like I have regressed and facing a few errors. Maybe I am typing the URL in wrong or perhaps something has moved or been erased causing me to fall back into old ways.
I’ll stop with the analogy for now, especially as I don’t know a great deal about technology but it seemed to fit with what I was going with. So bare with.
It was my turn at last. I had reached the top of the waiting list to receive my first therapy session. The letter came in the post informing me of when my appointment was and that it would take place on the phone. The phone? How can a therapy session work on the phone? I didn’t care how the logistics worked, all I cared about was that it was finally my name being called and it was me who could finally talk to someone and maybe get a hand of this situation.
The 1st of March. A new month. A new chance. And what better way to start a new month than with my first therapy session. Even if it was on a telephone.
I chose an early appointment so it would force me to get up and try and do something with my day afterwards. I was apprehensive before my phone call. I didn’t think that I would be totally honest with how I felt or what I was going through because it is easier to hide it when you are on a phone. I did worry that I would cry and become so incoherent on the phone that it would be pointless. Continue reading “Therapy”→
Can you believe it has been three weeks since I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety?! And this baby From Mad Girl to Made Girl is two and a half weeks old! Where has the time gone!
I can’t hide the fact that I was anxiously counting down to this appointment. Three weeks after being given my diagnosis and being sent away to try new tablets and to sort out therapy, it was time for a follow-up. Another chance to inspect at how I was getting on.
As I am sure you can tell from a few of my posts, I have been struggling despite being on Fluoxetine. I was told they wouldn’t begin to work until about a week after taking them, so I wasn’t expecting miracles. But after three weeks and religiously taking them at the same time every day, I really don’t feel any sort of improvement.
If anything, my anxiety and depression has been just as bad. Although now, I am finding myself crying more publicly because I just can’t hold it back anymore. Throughout these three weeks, I don’t think there has been a day where I haven’t just wanted to give up. There wasn’t a single day where I was anxious free or didn’t have a low point. I know that’s not the point of the tablets. I know they aren’t miracle workers. But I was hoping it would ease it. Make it easier to get on with everyday life things. But it hasn’t.
I struggle so much to get out of bed most days. I am not sleeping until gone 4 in the morning and even when I do drop off I am up throughout the night. The second I wake up my mind is already anxiously overthinking situations. I can’t even pinpoint what it is worrying about half the time. It just fills me with a sense of dread and fear. A fear I can’t shake off. I’ve broken down into tears most days in my bedroom because I just can’t cope feeling like this all the time. I’m not living. I’m literally a living, breathing being with no life in her at times.
For those of you who are Bowling for Soup fans you would have noticed that the title of this blog comes from the song 1985. Thought I’d try lightening it up a bit before I get real heavy and deep!
I wasn’t going to post a blog today but I’m struggling. Really struggling. And I am on my own and got no one I can immediately turn to right now, so hi! You’re the lucky one, you get me turning to you. You get to hear me go on and on, moaning about things, how lucky are you?! (I give you permission to walk away now to save you haha).
Fluoxetine. You’re meant to be helping me. You’re meant to be my one tablet a day that sends off those happy hormones known as serotonin into my brain. You’re meant to make me more balanced. More stable. More able to handle life. It seems you’re doing the opposite. You’re not helping. It feels you’re hindering me more than helping. There’s points that I do find myself thanking you and thanking the fact that for just a few times here and there you have made the anxiety less. But you have made my depression even more apparent. You’ve made me realise underneath the anxiety, I am empty. I am sad. And these past two days have been hard. Harder than I could have imagined. I scared myself today. The thoughts running through my head. The things I was saying to myself. They became more powerful than normal. I had to get out the house. I couldn’t take another minute of sitting on the bathroom floor in tears. I wish I knew why these tears keep burning my cheeks. I wish I knew why you weren’t working. Why the hormone serotonin wasn’t overpowering the negativity in my brain.
I finally have big and exciting news. It has actually been a few weeks since I first came across this news, but Mad Girl to Made Girl didn’t exist yet, and it was just before my world turned upside down with my breakdown and diagnosis of my depression and anxiety.
So, you’re finally going to have a happy blog by moi! Yes, smiles all round, cheers even, a little celebration if you may, for I, Not Quite Made Girl, have had my hand asked for in Marriag – yes, I have been asked to be my very best Bestie’s MAID OF HONOUR!
Yes, me! I know I didn’t think I could be trusted with such responsibility either but hey, she must have been having a funny moment when she chose me to be her Maid of Honour! (I’m just going to keep highlighting Maid of Honour in bold because I just love the title and that it is attributed to me. That I’m a Maid of Honour. Am I annoying you yet with my gloating? Good, I hope not! I hope y’all are pleased for me. ;))
It was so romantic how she did it, my heart just exploded into a million and one pieces and I couldn’t stop the word ‘yes‘ coming out of my mouth.
My bestie, or BeeBee as she is known, had been bugging me for a few weeks about organising a specific weekend in January for us to meet up. I couldn’t understand the necessity for such a specific date. I now know why haha. I just thought she was so eager for a double date with her fiancé and her with me and F, especially as she had never met F before.
There’s no balance with how people treat you once they know you have mental health issues – I hate how that sounds, and I hate using the word mental health. There feels such a taboo with it. But of course there isn’t. There should be no feeling of stigma or the sense of the unmentionable when talking about mental health.
I fully understand mental health is hard to understand. There’s not always physical symptoms or a real way to really diagnose someone with mental health problems. There’s no education on mental health yet we’re always told if we feel unwell with a broken leg to go get a cast at hospital, or had a headache for a few days, we’re encouraged to take paracetamol and sleep it off. If we fall over and graze our knee and blood is pouring, we don’t just simply ignore it. We treat it, make sure it doesn’t get infected and nurse it for a couple of days until the scab does it job and it starts to heal.
Yet with mental health, I have witnessed first hand very rigid views, pitiful looks and some obscure comments. It seems that a broken heart after the end of a relationship is understood and treated so much more than those who are suffering from mental health problems.
In the past two weeks since I got my diagnosis and slowly told those around me, bare in mind only those that I need to or feel I can trust or if I am in a situation where I need to, I have received a various amount of reactions. I want to say everyone tried their best to understand how I was feeling and what I was going through but I don’t think anyone truly did and that’s fine. I don’t think you can fully comprehend depression or anxiety unless you have suffered from it yourself or someone close to you has.
For the most part, the people I have told have had positive reactions. However, I have also had a few weird ones which have made me feel uncomfortable.
Do you ever feel that the universe just loves to mock you?
Well, maybe not the universe but technology and in particular apps. One of my apps, not pointing any fingers (yes I’m looking at you Dictionary app), decided that word of the day would be something that would run so ironically with me. And it decided to inform me of this word at 8 in the morning after a night of little to no sleep.
That word being: ataraxia
Definition: a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquility.
This app could not have chosen a less apt word for my wordoftheday. I mean the antonym words the dictionary had for ataraxia literally described my state of mind and the night of sleep I had. The main antonyms that jumped out at me were anxiety, upset, worry, turmoil and uneasiness.
Ihad such a tumultuous night of sleep. Normally sleeping with F by my side is so much more relaxing and calming and I normally manage to get more sleep than I do on my own (even if we don’t always go to bed early wink wink).