Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.
Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.
Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma
Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)
whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change?
I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me.
This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.
I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.
You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”→
Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination.
Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter’s day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways.
Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn’t care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn’t going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work.
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself.
On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people’s advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. Continue reading “Progress Update 103”→
It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:
Things are looking up
I thought I’d never see the day
They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.
So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.
Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! 💡”→
It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.
I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.
So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.
I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.
My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session. Continue reading “M.I.A”→
Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.
This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.
All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”→
I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.
When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.
Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Continue reading “How can you say you love me?”→
I’m not sure where my brain has gone but wherever it has disappeared to, it can fully well stay there. I’m far better off with this hybrid brain that has taken over the past couple of days. Bye 404 Error brain, hello undeniably propitious one!
I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a very high high or psychologically I have convinced myself that not relying on my anti depressants as often is more beneficial than taking them. I’ll let you know when this positivity ends and a low arrives. If it does.
Today I had a job interview. Yes, me. I know, I couldn’t quite believe that after all these months of applying to endless jobs in the city, a company finally liked the look of me. Well actually I didn’t apply for the role. I’d like to say I got headhunted for it but that would be a lie too. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you know, these days it is definitely who you know more than what you know. And old family friend’s son got talking to my auntie and became aware that I was looking for a job in marketing. So him being the sweetie he is told my auntie to get me to send my CV to him and he’d pass it on if there was any jobs going. Continue reading “Excuse me, is this my brain?”→
How many times have we all, over the years,seen the error message 404 error pop up when we tried to enter a URL for a site. The error? That now, apparently, the site no longer exists, was moved or deleted. Or we typed in the URL wrong or the server responsible for the website is not running and the connection is broken.
At the moment I feel that my actions and behaviours are a result of a connection in my brain not running or simply being broken. I feel like I have regressed and facing a few errors. Maybe I am typing the URL in wrong or perhaps something has moved or been erased causing me to fall back into old ways.
I’ll stop with the analogy for now, especially as I don’t know a great deal about technology but it seemed to fit with what I was going with. So bare with.