Dear F (5),

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I've come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn't do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren't, were you? You weren't all that? You weren't everything I thought or made you out to be.

I've been so quick to blame myself. That I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the one who has caused all this. I'm the one who is at fault. But it isn't just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn't solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn't support me. You didn't help me. You didn't have my best interests at heart. You didn't put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn't have. That's not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I'd sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn't let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F (5),”

Progress Update 103

Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination. 

Image result for high five gif

Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter's day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways. 

Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn't care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn't going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work. 
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself. 

On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people's advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. 
Continue reading “Progress Update 103”

Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

Continue reading “Progress Update 101”

Hot ‘N’ Cold 

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down. 

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years.  Continue reading “Hot ‘N’ Cold “

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”

This is where this train terminates, all change please!

For those that live in the city or often travel on trains the title of this blog will sound all too familiar. That voice that comes over the speakers as you approach the final stop and says: This is where this train terminates, all change please. 

Now this post has nothing to do with trains but it does have something to do with change. Although I am not a train nor am I the end station, I feel like with so much change going on around I am constantly having to change trains to try and keep up and reach my destination whilst keeping up with those around me. Bit of a weird comparison. But like train journeys, life is full of twists and turns and sometimes we have to get off before we reach the end of our journey yet others around us have reached theirs. (I’m mad I know, hence the name but it makes so much sense in my head!)

This post is expanding more on my post titled Wait for me! I feel more than ever that everything around me is just changing in a flash. I thought I was an individual who dealt well with change but I think as my anxiety has got worse over the years, I now dread any sort of change no matter how small it is. I will think that only the worse possibility will come out of the change.

My anxiety has been dominating this week. Which in turn has heightened my depression. I am constantly panicking about things. Imagining things which aren’t actually happening. My sleeping tablets can’t even help me get to sleep. I still toss and turn until the early hours and then waking up gasping for breath at every hour.

The reason for this? I feel inferior to everyone else. This past month a lot of change has happened around me and it seems to be too much change at once. None of it was expected and has often come to me as a surprise.

I don’t think it is so much the actions of those around me that is setting my anxiety off but more the idea that it isn’t me celebrating good news. It isn’t me moving along the path of life. It isn’t me who has something new to experience. The newest thing I get to experience is my first therapy session this week, and compared  to moving in with a partner or buying your own property, getting a promotion or going on fancy hotel trips or even getting married this isn’t exactly the same kind of excitement.

Continue reading “This is where this train terminates, all change please!”

The One, The Only, F.

I would love to introduce you all to the number one man (scrap that, the number one person) in my life. My Boyfriend and best friend, F.
We met the modern way, through a dating app called Tinder. Yes, I resorted to finding love on a dating app, an app with a flame as their logo! I was desperate to be loved and well, like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.

It all began one day in April, a sunny day I’m sure, like all romantic fairy tales start. I must’ve swiped right on him and it came up as a match straight away, so he clearly liked the looks of me and gave a swipe to the right too 😉 Being very old fashioned, despite using modern dating methods, I always believed the boy should message first.
I was bad on Tinder, I barely swiped right on anyone, not because I didn’t like the look of them just because I thought I couldn’t envisage anything with them despite how ‘perfect‘ they looked.
F, an older gentleman by four years, had a picture of him stood in front of a London landscape and another with him in the distance with a pint in front of him. I’m not going to lie, yes the pictures were good, but also the fact that he was older than me was one of the deals for me swiping right. I’ve always had this delusional idea that I wanted to date an older man because he would be more mature and more ‘manly‘. Haha, what a misapprehensive thought, no matter the age, I don’t think a man ever truly grows up, and in some ways that’s a good thing, it helps to keep you young and grounded as a woman too.
I’d only ever dated guys my age, maybe a year older but they all failed. They were toxic. They weren’t what relationships should be. I got cheated on, led on and heartbroken. There were maybe one or two times I thought I could have been in love but looking back, and since being with F, it wasn’t love that I felt with the others, I think it was infatuation, obsession with wanting a relationship, wanting someone to want me, to love me, to need me. I never got those things, I was easy to discard, to boss around, easy to forget.
The reason I turned to Tinder was because these past relationships, I had met in bars and nightclubs and I was fed up of doing things that way. Also, it didn’t help that around the time I turned to Tinder, I had become such a recluse, with few friends and little plans. Even when I did have plans to go out, my anxiety would get the better of me and I would cancel plans last minute, which soon became an annoyance to my friends who stopped trying.

So yes, I turned to Tinder (I keep getting side tracked, every flaming blog goes on a tangent!). It was a way of me not leaving the house yet hopefully building a connection with someone online who then eventually I would have the confidence and trust to meet.

In all honesty I didn’t expect to hear from F and I forgot about him. A few days later I woke up to a new message on Tinder and it was from, go on guess who, no, not Ed Sheeran or Joel Dommett, but F, yes my F! (Ah damn I’ve now given away the ending. Just pretend you have no idea who F is, humour me!)

So we got chatting, the odd message here and there, him attempting to impress me by saying a word in French because he read in my about me that I studied French at university, me eagerly relying with questions about him. This went back and forth a while before we eventually met up. I felt myself gaining confidence just by speaking to him. I was coming out of my shell that I had hibernated under for so long.

He went on holiday to America a couple of weeks after we’d been speaking. I expected our conversation to die out and that be the end of that. To my surprise I did still receive the odd message here and there and he still seemed keen. *jump for joy* he even sent me a picture of him at Times Square!

Continue reading “The One, The Only, F.”