Why?

Why? Why do we become so stubborn and so obsessed with what everyone else wants that we forget to do what is best for ourselves?

Why are there rules when it comes to love? To break ups? To how we live? Who decided these rules? Why can’t they be broken and each individual do as they please to best deal with their situation?

Why is heartbreak only one way? Why is it so difficult for one person? Why does one person get to make the decision?

Why do things happen so out of the blue? Why don’t people fight for what they want anymore? Why do people so easily give up? Why does love not conquer all?

Why do people say things to make you feel better but don’t mean it? Why is no one helping fight your corner? Why does no one help? Why is it so easy for everyone to sweep it under the rug? Why does no one show emotions any more? Continue reading “Why?”

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You know the truth by the way it feels

I think it is time that I wrote about something a bit more positive and upbeat. I know my blog seems so doom and gloom a lot of the time and me ranting and raving but I promise that I do have some good going on and stuff that I do appreciate and value.
So, I mentioned something along this earlier in another post (Dear F, (9) and Dear F, (10)), and I now feel that it is the right time to divulge into it a bit and open up about it. More so because I have found myself in a bit of a dilemma with it. I know, nothing ever seems to be smooth running, or should I say, I don’t like to make it easy for myself! 

Continue reading “You know the truth by the way it feels”

Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

Continue reading “Dear F, (9)”

Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you.

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit.

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life.

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to.  Continue reading “Dear F, (8)”

Dear F, (7)

It’s amazing how much can change in three weeks. How quick the emotions can change and how the person you think you fell in love with can turn and show their ‘real colours’.

I was coming to terms with the break up quite well the past week and a half or so. I was feeling perkier and more positive. I believed you still cared and still respected me. You still called me baby. You kept sending me messages. You put kisses at the end of some messages. But I now know why you did all that: to get me back in to bed. And it worked.

Continue reading “Dear F, (7)”

Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.

Continue reading “Dear F, (6)”

Change is hard at first…

Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma 

Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)

whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change? 

I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me. 

Continue reading “Change is hard at first…”

Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”

Dear F, (2)

Dear F,

Having so much time to think about things, is doing so much to me. It is helping, it is hindering, it is hurting and it is making me determined. I have the time to think back over our whole relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly and the happiness.

I have thought about my behaviour non stop. It is continuously at the forefront of my mind and I am so careful watching those around me and how their behaviour is different to mine.
I have been watching reality TV programmes, you know me and my love for such rubbish, I mean look I got you into Love Island, so they can’t be that bad! But yes, I have been watching Teen Mom both in the UK and the US. I know their lives are so different, and so are their circumstances, but their behaviour on screen is quite similar to how I could be at times with you. I am not saying that excuses my behaviour, because it doesn’t, but for so many people that seems to be the norm. Having moments of exploding, of spitefulness of hurt.
Witnessing those around me at work and the way they speak about certain things. There is hostility in them over the smallest of things. They do lose their tempers, even in the work place. You hear of arguments that they have had with their partners, and often it is over something so small but it still cause a row. An argument. And things being said that they didn’t mean.
Even just watching strangers on the commute to work, walking past them, hearing their phone calls, there’s not a day that goes by where you don’t hear at least a few people arguing on their phone, whether it be with a family member, a colleague or the love of their life.

Continue reading “Dear F, (2)”

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