Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

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Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you. 

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit. 

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life. 

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to. 

I hope you’re doing well F. I hope you’re exploring new avenues, doing things you’ve wanted to do. Embracing your new home. I hope your happy. And I mean that.

You said to me not so long ago that we weren’t right together. And you were right. In this present day we really can’t be together. We’re not good for one another and I think we both have so much growing up to do. I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want the compromise. I’ve lived my life too much pleasing others and putting them before my own needs. But for the next few months I’m doing my own needs. Following my goals. Trying new things. Being free. Finally learning who I am. 

Just because we’re not right now, doesn’t mean I never loved you. I did so much. And still do, F. I still see a future with you down the long line. I still picture us married and taking the kids to see the O’s. I want all that still. But not now or a long, long time. You’re the only one I  saw that with. 

But F, here’s to having fun. Doing what we want, when we want and how we want. Here’s to us both being happy. 

This will be my last letter to you for a while. I’ve not got anything else to send you except my best wishes. I really wish you well bub. 

Until soon. 

Siggy x

Dear F, (7)

It’s amazing how much can change in three weeks. How quick the emotions can change and how the person you think you fell in love with can turn and show their ‘real colours’.

I was coming to terms with the break up quite well the past week and a half or so. I was feeling perkier and more positive. I believed you still cared and still respected me. You still called me baby. You kept sending me messages. You put kisses at the end of some messages. But I now know why you did all that: to get me back in to bed. And it worked.

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Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.

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Change is hard at first…

Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma 

Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)

whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change? 

I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me. 

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Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”

Dear F, (2)

Dear F,

Having so much time to think about things, is doing so much to me. It is helping, it is hindering, it is hurting and it is making me determined. I have the time to think back over our whole relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly and the happiness.

I have thought about my behaviour non stop. It is continuously at the forefront of my mind and I am so careful watching those around me and how their behaviour is different to mine.
I have been watching reality TV programmes, you know me and my love for such rubbish, I mean look I got you into Love Island, so they can’t be that bad! But yes, I have been watching Teen Mom both in the UK and the US. I know their lives are so different, and so are their circumstances, but their behaviour on screen is quite similar to how I could be at times with you. I am not saying that excuses my behaviour, because it doesn’t, but for so many people that seems to be the norm. Having moments of exploding, of spitefulness of hurt.
Witnessing those around me at work and the way they speak about certain things. There is hostility in them over the smallest of things. They do lose their tempers, even in the work place. You hear of arguments that they have had with their partners, and often it is over something so small but it still cause a row. An argument. And things being said that they didn’t mean.
Even just watching strangers on the commute to work, walking past them, hearing their phone calls, there’s not a day that goes by where you don’t hear at least a few people arguing on their phone, whether it be with a family member, a colleague or the love of their life.

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Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

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Madness

Camden Town: the home of alternative rock. But also the home of the one and only band that is Madness.
On the radio today, a Madness song came on and as I sat and sung along with it, I realised its relevance. It sat true with me and F in a fair few ways. The song was My Girl. The me that was in the relationship with F, sounds the exact same of the girl in that song. I would get mad if he didn’t want to do something, because he’d rather sit at home or do something else. I would over react and become so sensitive to it. I would think he has had enough of me, that he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public, but like the song says, he simply was thinking:  ‘Why can’t she see, She’s lovely to me? But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own every now and then’.

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Update Progress 10-

Well, hi. It has been a while. I am sorry to those who have been worried and to those who I have not replied to but it has been a crazy few months. A lot has changed, and last night my whole world fell apart, as F dumped me.

These last few months I have been so up and down and I have been unbearable at times. I started a new job, my brother got caught up in the London attacks, F got a flat and moved into it and I just generally was learning to battle with my emotions.

I loved my job at first. I really did. It was exciting, it was new. It was everything I thought it would be and more. However, in the last month and a half or so, I have been struggling to fit in and feel comfortable at work. I have such a different mantra to those I work with. We have different beliefs, different views and very different politics. Normally, I am so easy going and am not affected by difference, but in this job it is so prominent and unless you think their way, you are seen as a bit of an oddball, so I have had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself about certain things, especially when the elections were happening. Work has also slowed down incredibly. Most days I am sat at my laptop, just staring at the screen trying to think of things to do. I have planned most of my best friend’s hen party at work thanks to these slow times, but now that’s almost finished being planned, I have very little else to do.

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