Lucky “7”

They say the number seven is lucky and this just so happens to be the amount of months since I last wrote a blog on Not Quite Made Girl. Why the number 7 is lucky, I don’t know but it is always my go to number so maybe that means it is about the right time that I started writing on here again.

I know it has been a while. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been hard. It has just been life the past seven months. A lot has changed. In other ways very little has changed. I am still the Not Quite Made Girl stumbling and tripping over this journey we all have to call life whether we are really living it or just enduring it because we think it will get better or because we simply have no choice.

Since I last wrote, I wish I could say how happy and full of beans I am. But… I would be lying and also wouldn’t be human if I said that. After all we all can’t be happy all the time. I have had some incredible achievements in the past few months, the main being that I have officially moved into my very own flat and now a, I believe the kids are calling ‘Mortgage Wanker’. I am gradually putting my own touch on the place, the walls are painted/wallpapered, the carpets are all new, the furniture is almost all in place and it feels very much like my own space. To have been able to achieve this at the age of early to mid twenties by myself without a partner I am proud of myself, not only because it is such an accomplishment especially in the world we live in currently but also because I have been working towards this dream since I could walk and talk. I always wanted my own place. I always had ideas to decorate a place. After all the saving of birthday money and various other incomes over the years, it finally happened and I am happy. And so, so lucky that I have had the help of my parents when it has come to the actual painting and decorating of the place as I lack the skills there!

Yes, milestone number one ticked off and smiles all round. The other aspects of my life? Well they’re plodding along at the same old pace. Still in a job which I detest, the people are tolerable at best and doesn’t pay me enough so I am living paycheck to paycheck to travel into the City every month to sit at a desk all day and have nothing to do despite my best efforts to try and change things. Things won’t change anytime soon so we shall leave the work issue there.

My relationship status? Well I am still going out with J. Almost a year since I met him and this time next week it would have been a year since I started talking to him. Yay. We’ve had a holiday to Barcelona (albeit a very quick city trip as had to take holiday from work otherwise I would lose it) and then parents invited us, alongside my brother and his Mrs, to Northern Cyprus for the a few days back in May. We got through those. It is said that travelling brings the worst out in people but I think the travelling bit is the easiest part it is the being around the person 24/7 in a place you don’t know and can’t get your ow space from. I am not saying this because I didn’t appreciate the company of J, quite the opposite but we’re both just very head strong and have our own preferences and find it hard to agree with what the other says at times, so it does get stressful. But we’re working on it. Well still working on it since the beginning so it should start getting easier anytime now, right?

J is lovely. I must emphasise this. He is loving, caring, forgetful but sweet, eager, opinionated strong minded, foul mouthed at times, but I accept all this and love it. I really do. I am lucky to have him. We fall out but we don’t shout or argue, we just disagree and get on with it, which for me is such a huge improvement on my past relationship with F, where we would shout the house down and reduce each other to tears and hate every time. But I do find myself questioning if I do care for J as much as I did F? I always used to get so worked up with F because I cared, I wanted to be perfect for him and when he criticised me and had a go at me I took it so personally and just wanted to prove to him that he was wrong and that I did care. And I did this by arguing because I always believed if the person was worth it you’d fight for it whether that be through arguments or whatever but if you didn’t you simply accepted it and didn’t show any emotion towards it? That is super twisted and doesn’t make sense but basically, those who love each other argue, right? Because they care?
But anyway, yes, I do care about J, I am just not sure if it is in the same way that I cared and loved F. But in my own other way I do love J and I don’t want to be without him, apart from to have my own space a few nights a week. I like to have my own space, especially more so since I have moved into my own place. I like the freedom. I like knowing things are in their place. I like leaving dishes uncleaned if I want to or a pillow out of place on the sofa because I just can.

Yes, I see J most weekends whether he comes to mine or I go to his and his flatmates in London. We do fun things, ride Santander (Boris) bikes, go to pubs, walks, festivals, gigs, parties, all sorts, and it is fun. But at the end of the day it is nice to got to bed on my own after this filled weekends with J and just sit with my thoughts.

I am sounding so horrible, but I have needed to just write this for months. I know I love J and that is why I am okay writing this, (I wasn’t really meant to be writing about this, it was meant to be a quick “Hi”, but the fingers got carried away!) I just still live for  moments in the past and finding the future a blurry haze that I am scared to venture into. I don’t want to think about life in December, or 2019, for I am struggling to see what life has in plan for me tomorrow. I am just going with the flow whilst walking on the eggshells leading the way. Hopefully at one point my feet will firmly touch the ground and certainty and confidence will behold me. (I can at least hope).

For now, it’s time to put the washing on the clothes horse, brush my teeth and catch up on Versailles before another day at work tomorrow.

I am back and do plan to stick around so please bear with whilst I get back into the flow.

Keep well
Not Quite Made Girl
x

 

jerry-kiesewetter-179264-unsplash
Photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash
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Why?

Why? Why do we become so stubborn and so obsessed with what everyone else wants that we forget to do what is best for ourselves?

Why are there rules when it comes to love? To break ups? To how we live? Who decided these rules? Why can’t they be broken and each individual do as they please to best deal with their situation?

Why is heartbreak only one way? Why is it so difficult for one person? Why does one person get to make the decision?

Why do things happen so out of the blue? Why don’t people fight for what they want anymore? Why do people so easily give up? Why does love not conquer all?

Why do people say things to make you feel better but don’t mean it? Why is no one helping fight your corner? Why does no one help? Why is it so easy for everyone to sweep it under the rug? Why does no one show emotions any more? Continue reading “Why?”

You know the truth by the way it feels

I think it is time that I wrote about something a bit more positive and upbeat. I know my blog seems so doom and gloom a lot of the time and me ranting and raving but I promise that I do have some good going on and stuff that I do appreciate and value.
So, I mentioned something along this earlier in another post (Dear F, (9) and Dear F, (10)), and I now feel that it is the right time to divulge into it a bit and open up about it. More so because I have found myself in a bit of a dilemma with it. I know, nothing ever seems to be smooth running, or should I say, I don’t like to make it easy for myself! 

Continue reading “You know the truth by the way it feels”

Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

Continue reading “Dear F, (9)”

Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you.

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit.

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life.

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to.  Continue reading “Dear F, (8)”

Dear F, (7)

It’s amazing how much can change in three weeks. How quick the emotions can change and how the person you think you fell in love with can turn and show their ‘real colours’.

I was coming to terms with the break up quite well the past week and a half or so. I was feeling perkier and more positive. I believed you still cared and still respected me. You still called me baby. You kept sending me messages. You put kisses at the end of some messages. But I now know why you did all that: to get me back in to bed. And it worked.

Continue reading “Dear F, (7)”

Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.

Continue reading “Dear F, (6)”

Change is hard at first…

Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma 

Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)

whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change? 

I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me. 

Continue reading “Change is hard at first…”

Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”

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