They say the number seven is lucky and this just so happens to be the amount of months since I last wrote a blog on Not Quite Made Girl. Why the number 7 is lucky, I don’t know but it is always my go to number so maybe that means it is about the right time that I started writing on here again.
I know it has been a while. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been hard. It has just been life the past seven months. A lot has changed. In other ways very little has changed. I am still the Not Quite Made Girl stumbling and tripping over this journey we all have to call life whether we are really living it or just enduring it because we think it will get better or because we simply have no choice.
Since I last wrote, I wish I could say how happy and full of beans I am. But… I would be lying and also wouldn’t be human if I said that. After all we all can’t be happy all the time. I have had some incredible achievements in the past few months, the main being that I have officially moved into my very own flat and now a, I believe the kids are calling ‘Mortgage Wanker’. I am gradually putting my own touch on the place, the walls are painted/wallpapered, the carpets are all new, the furniture is almost all in place and it feels very much like my own space. To have been able to achieve this at the age of early to mid twenties by myself without a partner I am proud of myself, not only because it is such an accomplishment especially in the world we live in currently but also because I have been working towards this dream since I could walk and talk. I always wanted my own place. I always had ideas to decorate a place. After all the saving of birthday money and various other incomes over the years, it finally happened and I am happy. And so, so lucky that I have had the help of my parents when it has come to the actual painting and decorating of the place as I lack the skills there!
Yes, milestone number one ticked off and smiles all round. The other aspects of my life? Well they’re plodding along at the same old pace. Still in a job which I detest, the people are tolerable at best and doesn’t pay me enough so I am living paycheck to paycheck to travel into the City every month to sit at a desk all day and have nothing to do despite my best efforts to try and change things. Things won’t change anytime soon so we shall leave the work issue there.
My relationship status? Well I am still going out with J. Almost a year since I met him and this time next week it would have been a year since I started talking to him. Yay. We’ve had a holiday to Barcelona (albeit a very quick city trip as had to take holiday from work otherwise I would lose it) and then parents invited us, alongside my brother and his Mrs, to Northern Cyprus for the a few days back in May. We got through those. It is said that travelling brings the worst out in people but I think the travelling bit is the easiest part it is the being around the person 24/7 in a place you don’t know and can’t get your ow space from. I am not saying this because I didn’t appreciate the company of J, quite the opposite but we’re both just very head strong and have our own preferences and find it hard to agree with what the other says at times, so it does get stressful. But we’re working on it. Well still working on it since the beginning so it should start getting easier anytime now, right?
J is lovely. I must emphasise this. He is loving, caring, forgetful but sweet, eager, opinionated strong minded, foul mouthed at times, but I accept all this and love it. I really do. I am lucky to have him. We fall out but we don’t shout or argue, we just disagree and get on with it, which for me is such a huge improvement on my past relationship with F, where we would shout the house down and reduce each other to tears and hate every time. But I do find myself questioning if I do care for J as much as I did F? I always used to get so worked up with F because I cared, I wanted to be perfect for him and when he criticised me and had a go at me I took it so personally and just wanted to prove to him that he was wrong and that I did care. And I did this by arguing because I always believed if the person was worth it you’d fight for it whether that be through arguments or whatever but if you didn’t you simply accepted it and didn’t show any emotion towards it? That is super twisted and doesn’t make sense but basically, those who love each other argue, right? Because they care?
But anyway, yes, I do care about J, I am just not sure if it is in the same way that I cared and loved F. But in my own other way I do love J and I don’t want to be without him, apart from to have my own space a few nights a week. I like to have my own space, especially more so since I have moved into my own place. I like the freedom. I like knowing things are in their place. I like leaving dishes uncleaned if I want to or a pillow out of place on the sofa because I just can.
Yes, I see J most weekends whether he comes to mine or I go to his and his flatmates in London. We do fun things, ride Santander (Boris) bikes, go to pubs, walks, festivals, gigs, parties, all sorts, and it is fun. But at the end of the day it is nice to got to bed on my own after this filled weekends with J and just sit with my thoughts.
I am sounding so horrible, but I have needed to just write this for months. I know I love J and that is why I am okay writing this, (I wasn’t really meant to be writing about this, it was meant to be a quick “Hi”, but the fingers got carried away!) I just still live for moments in the past and finding the future a blurry haze that I am scared to venture into. I don’t want to think about life in December, or 2019, for I am struggling to see what life has in plan for me tomorrow. I am just going with the flow whilst walking on the eggshells leading the way. Hopefully at one point my feet will firmly touch the ground and certainty and confidence will behold me. (I can at least hope).
For now, it’s time to put the washing on the clothes horse, brush my teeth and catch up on Versailles before another day at work tomorrow.
I am back and do plan to stick around so please bear with whilst I get back into the flow.
Not Quite Made Girl