Hot ‘N’ Cold 

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down. 

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years. 

After singing it in my head multiple times I came to realise it actually resonated with me on a certain level. 

At first I thought it was to do with F. To describe him at times in our relationship. One minute he’s so expressive and loving, the next, a bit nonchalant about us. But the more I thought about it during this past week (I couldn’t stop singing it or get the tune out of my head, Okay?!) I realised that it was speaking more to me. I know, how can a song speak to you? Well it just did. It just perfectly described my emotions especially of those the past year. 

I am very up and down. Very hot and then cold. Very in then out with things.  Especially the past month or so. 

A lot is happening for me personally job wise. I’m finally starting a ‘proper’ job, as everyone calls it, on Monday in the city. I was excited but now I just want to cry and hide. The closer I’m getting to Monday and starting the more scared and sick I’m feeling. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel ready to be out in the big wide world. I don’t feel ready to be in a 9 to 5 routine 5 days of the week. I still can barely bring myself to get out of bed some days. How am I going to cope with working life? The fear of a panic attack is becoming more and more of a reality but I have to hide this from work. I can’t show them this side. I’ll have to learn to put on the persona that I’ve created everyday and ensure that smile and confidence shines.

As well as the job front I’ve come to a very personal and harsh reality. I’m no good for F. I have never been good for him and I never will be  I’m too up and down, and too hot and cold for him. He tries his best but why should he have to? He can’t continuously worry about me and keep asking me how I am. It’s not fair on him. 

I have also realised that I’m far, far, far too dependent on F. I was getting in too over my head with him and our relationship. I

*interlude music*
Automated voice: Hold the line please


Sorry about the interruption. The day that I wrote this post, well started to write it, was the day that it all finally got too much for me. I had another mini breakdown (woo, go me! That’s two breakdowns in the space of a couple of months, therapy is going well as I am sure you can all tell!) and it was quite possibly the worst time to have a breakdown, especially around F.
We had had a lovely weekend with his friends up in the Midlands. Well I say we did, but all weekend and week I had been feeling.. odd, I suppose is the best way to describe it. As I was saying before it all erupted in this post, was that I had realised I was getting far too involved with F. I wishing for too much with him. Wanting too much from him. Wanting and envisaging too much that future that I hope for. I wanted it sooner rather than later and I just have the gut feeling that F is very much not in the same place as me.

After Sunday night at F’s, the next morning I felt different. It was like I had an epiphany, a realisation at how I was feeling. It was like I was seeing me from the outside. It was a reality check. A much needed one. I really distanced myself from F all last week. I barely texted him. Didn’t check my phone to see if he had messaged. Didn’t hope to meet or even organise to see him. It was odd. But I managed it.

What I’ve realised now is that I was actually sabotaging our relationship. I was trying to make myself fall out of love with F. I was trying to force him to end our relationship. Why, I hear you screaming?! Well, quite simply put, I know it will come to an end sooner or later, so why let myself envisage a future. Why did I think I deserved a chance to be happy? Why should I have a partner that I can see spending my life with? Why do I deserve to be happy with this one person? The short answer is no, I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy, to have a long term relationship, to have that one person I can turn to. I thought, like most, he would walk away after leaving such heavy footprints in my life. I didn’t want to face losing him down the line. I don’t think I would cope. So I decided to sabotage our relationship and distance myself.

This failed. Of course it failed! But it all had to come pouring out on our car journey home when we were stuck in a confined metal tin that is a car in boiling heat for almost three hours! It all started over something silly: me leaving my ring at his friend’s house. I won’t go into it but long story short, we fell out and got stroppy with one another. I got so claustrophobic and panicked in the car that I insisted he pulled over at the nearest service station. And queue the breakdown haha! Outside a McDonald’s in front of a good few people I just broke. I cried. F was having none of what I was saying to him. We were still arguing about me leaving the bloody ring at his friend’s and us having to drive 2 minutes back to get it! For me there was so much to it. I half wanted to end it with F. I had felt I wanted to end it half the weekend. Not because I didn’t love him anymore but because I didn’t want to continue letting myself get in deeper with him when we might not both have the same hopes for the future. I kept my distance each night in bed, I wouldn’t allow my skin to even touch his. It was ridiculous, but for some reason it made sense in my head.

After much, backwards and forwards, F finally wiped the tears from my cheek and listened. I told him majority of everything that I was worried about. What I had been doing all week. How I was sabotaging us. How I was trying to convince myself I didn’t love him anymore. How I wanted to end it all now with him instead of him ending it down the line. I got a lot off my chest. We spoke about my depression and anxiety, all whilst we were sat in McDonald’s car park in the car! I told him just how low I get. How it feels for me. How this is a long term thing. It is something that will stay with me for life. I will have episodes but I will hopefully learn to handle them better. He seemed to understand. He couldn’t understand how I thought we were going to break up down the line. He finally heard a lot of what has been on my mind and what I want him to know.

There are still a few topics which are out of bounds to talk to him about. And maybe one day I will finally disclose them. Maybe one day he will be that bit more open with me. Be that bit more understanding and not jump to criticism of himself or of me as quick. He will hopefully realise that he does make me happy even if he believes that I am suggesting he does things wrong. He’s a good egg and I love him. There’s so much I want to share with him, and I will in due course. I hope this was just the start of many truths and honesty being spoken. But maybe with less scorching, claustrophobic and public setting next time, please?

Not Quite Made Girl

x

P.S. sorry Katy Perry, this post kind of went on a tangent from your song, but the idea is still there and well, I’m still a lover of this song so I’ll continue singing to it! 

 

 

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times.

I know it is annoying me always doubting and questioning everything all the time. I wish I didn’t keep doing that. Maybe if I talk more openly to you and try to explain just what is worrying me then perhaps I will stop questioning us all the time.

I don’t need to state it because it is so obvious, but I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than anything in life. I know at times I have a funny way of showing it but I really do love you and value you for who you are. I know I can talk to you. I can turn to you. You will listen. But I do worry if I even say one thing that you don’t like the sound of you will get all defensive and not try to understand. You will take what I say as criticism. But it isn’t. You will take it as me not being happy with you. Me picking at you. Me thinking that you don’t do enough. That you aren’t perfect. That isn’t what I mean at all by whatever I say. I tell you so often how happy you make me, how much you mean to me, how much I love all the little things you do. I simply am telling you how I feel at times and what worries me. It isn’t a reflection on you. It is me. It’s my anxiety and depression getting the better of me and I’m sorry you take that as me criticising you. That’s the last thing I want to do. I only ever want to show you how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you and everything you do. You really are an amazing person. Words don’t do any justice. You are a patient person and I do push you at times to your limit. I apologise greatly for that. I don’t want to annoy you or push your patience but I just work myself up over little things and I just can’t hide that from you. You’re too good at reading me and I feel so at ease around you I just can’t hide my worries or upsets that I experience. I trust you with seeing that side of me and you handle it so well especially when I’m annoying you by commenting on my weight, how I feel inferior to those around me and how I find it so hard to believe that you do love me and think me beautiful despite my many, many flaws.

I’m just scared. So scared of losing you. I have never feared losing something so much in my life. I never expected to have such a connection and love with someone. I never thought I’d be so lucky to find it with someone like you in this lifetime. I really am lucky and I don’t want to lose this.

You’re the full package and men like you are rare to find. I find it so hard to believe you picked me. You want me. You love me. Not because I doubt you but because here I am, this hot mess who is so up and down. Why would you love that? There’s a sea of girls who I am sure are “normal” and would jump at the chance to have you. That’s the only reason I get silly and question your love for me because I am so difficult at times. I’m a bit of a roller coaster ride in life. I worry because I am difficult and a lot to handle. I’m not drop dead gorgeous or a Victoria Secret Model. I have my lows and worries that do take over and make me question if you do still want me or just too scared to walk away. I know you reassure me continuously and I trust and believe your words. I don’t know what triggers me getting so scared and anxious about you not wanting me when all you do when we’re together is show me love.Your reassuring forehead kisses, the familiarity and comfort of your hand in mine, the security and safety in your hugs and cuddles, the passion and care and the love of just being held in your arms as we sleep. I know you love me and show me often.
I never doubt your love for me because of anything you do, I simply doubt it because of how I am at times. Please know I never doubt these actions towards me or their genuinity.

We’ve known each other for practically a year and seeing each other almost as long. And it has been the happiest year of my life. For me is it the longest relationship I have had. I have become dependant on you at times, and consider you the biggest and most valuable part of my life. I haven’t felt that way in other relationships. I normally get doubts and realise I don’t want a future with them in the first couple of months. But with you, you have made me realise just what I want from life and that I want to keep you there by my side. I want to invest my all in our love.
Because I have had such bad relationships in the past, I have so many worries when it comes to ours. I’m worried what the future will bring. I don’t know what the protocol is when it comes to relationships because everyone is different. I’m worried I’ll F*ck it up, by pushing you away, pushing you to turn to someone else, to make you fall out of love with me because of who I am.

We all have this idea of love. More often than not we get this idea from films and those around us how relationships should be. I often compare our relationship to those closest to me, more than I should. I don’t know why I do this. Their relationships aren’t perfect and I wouldn’t exchange a single thing of ours for anything they’ve got. Our love to me, is picture perfect. I always say how lucky I am. This is my fairy tale romance; mine and yours. Not theirs. And I’m so happy and in love with it.
I may get jealous in a sense that they get little surprises from their other half, going on trips continuously or living together from quite early on, but you have taught me that love isn’t about any of those things. It isn’t about having the need to show it off to the world. It is simply being able to spend time with that one person, even doing nothing but watching a film together at home and enjoying each other’s company. It is sitting in silence but no awkwardness, just ease. It’s receiving a hug from you when I am having a bad day. These are things that I want and I am so lucky to experience them with you. I’d rather that than anything else those around me have. It’s taken a while for me to come to the realisation of what love is but I’m so glad you’ve taught me just what it is.
I know I get upset with you at times because you haven’t been able to read my mind and know what I’m thinking or want. I know you think you’re always being helpful and doing your best. You do, you really do. I just get stupidly sensitive over such petty things. I panic that if you don’t want to see me one night that you no longer love me or want to be with me. Not simply because you just want a night to yourself to relax and have your own time, which is human and completely understandable. I get so irrational about it, and I am sorry. I think you do so much with me and you do it because you want to and you deserve time to yourself and it doesn’t mean you love me any less.
It is also difficult for you to understand just how bad I get, but I think after Thursday you have seen how bad it gets for me and what state I end up in. Once you saw me you were so understanding and caring, but before that you found it hard to communicate with me because you didn’t understand the state I was in. You didn’t quite believe I was that bad. I think you thought that I was just being irrational and over reacting. But you’ve realised I can’t help it. It’s what this anxiety and depression are doing to me. It’s how it gets me. It’s not you that gets me like that. You’re the one that helps get me out of it. You’re the one that reassures me that everything is okay. You’re the one that tries to always understand and keep learning about what I am going through. And for that I am so grateful and think you’re doing a fantastic job at it. It is hard to understand what it is like to keep feeling the way I do and I know at times it seems so alien and ridiculous but you’ve never given up on me, you’ve never stopped wanting to figure it out and find a way to help me. More often than not, you know how to help me before I know what I need. You encouraged me to come to London despite me crying and screaming down the phone. You planned a day out for us. You thought it would help. I was adamant I wasn’t up to it. But you showed me tough love and it was the only way I’d get to see you before you went on holiday and it turned out to be a good day. You got me from a crying mess when I met you, to getting a smile out of me and a conversation by the end of the night. You gave me hope again. You gave me a reason to smile. My reason was you and the love you give.

I want to have the chat with you. I want to see if there is a future with us. What kind of future you imagine. I don’t know your expectations or even if you see one anymore with me but I do look forward to a future with you. I am scared to talk to you about this. I fear your answer. I fear you don’t want the future that I want. I want to live together down the line. I want to know that we’re safe for a future side by side. You once stated that you thought I could be I don’t know if you still believe this. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I fear I’m too over whelming and too much for you to handle.  Is my mental health becoming such a barrier? Such a problem for you to deal with? Are you worried about dealing with that for the rest of your life if we share a future together? I can’t promise that I will ever get rid of this, because I believe that even though I can fight it and I can get better, it will always be a part of me. I just believe that I will find ways at handling it better and controlling it. Learning when I am having these ups and downs and how to get out of them without impacting those around me. I will fight it because I want to have a future full of happiness and living each experience and adventure that life throws my way with a positive attitude but right now, I am only just learning so it is a bit of an uphill battle at times. But I will get better and you don’t need to worry about me being as bad as I have been. I will be happy again. Especially knowing you’re by my side.

I think you know what I hope for and would like in the future. I’m sure you know. I just don’t know if you’re thinking the along the same lines. I want to have the chat. The chat about your hopes and dreams for the future. What plans you have.What you want. I want to know. I want to listen. I hope one day you will tell me.

We have so much and I’m so truly grateful. I’m so lucky to have you, the one person who believes in me, motivates and encourages me, supports me, helps me in their own way, gives me honesty, gives me security but most of all loves me despite my flaws. You have given me memories and experiences to last a life time this past year, so thank you. You’ve introduced me to new interests and shown me there’s so much to life than I first thought.

In the words of Virginia Woolf: “I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. I didn’t think two people could have been happier than we have been”. 

I love you completely, today and always,

Not Quite Made Girl

x

NB. I am too much of wuss to actually write this letter and give it to F but I needed to get it out of my system and write it down. And well what better place than my blog where I know he’ll never see it, despite it being for him. 
I know I come across so needy and clingy and sickeningly in love but that’s how he makes me feel, how he needs to see it because I don’t want to lose him over this. I don’t want my mental health to destroy that. 

 

Three Loves 

I was reading an article recently that boldly stated you fall in love with three people in your lifetime and each person is for a specific reason.

I first read it and I thought it was a load of codswallop but the more I read in detail and the more I thought about it, it actually does ring true.

The first love:  the idealistic love.

They say this first love often takes place when we are in our teenage years. We often enter this relationship believing that it is the fairytale that we all hope for: The idealistic, perfect love that will last forever. We believe this person is our one true love even if there are cracks in the relationship or doesn’t feel quite right. We persist to follow it because it is what we believe love is supposed to be.
It is often the love that looks right but isn’t necessarily right for us. It is the love that we believe society expects of us and how others view us is more important than how we feel.

The second love: the hard love

As the name suggests this is the type of love that gives us tough lessons about who we are and how we want to be loved. It’s the love that causes us the most pain. It is an unhealthy cycle. An unbalanced, manipulative and high drama relationship which contains emotional, mental or even physical abuse. We keep going back to this relationship because we keep thinking that it will be different from the previous time. Yet it isn’t and it doesn’t end differently each time. If anything it ends up worse than before.
We keep going back because we expect it to get better. We stay for the memories of the good times, the highs. We stick with the lows because we believe it is just a stage and it will get better. We become obsessed with making this relationship work that we often ignore the fact of if it should actually work and it is actually what we want.

It is the love we wished was perfect.

The third love: the one we never see coming

Some articles claimed that it was the love that looked all wrong for us and didn’t fit our ideals of what love is supposed to be. It comes almost too easy and it takes us aback because we weren’t expecting to find it.

The love with this person is just natural. You just fit with one another.There’s no pressure to be what you’re not. There’s no expectation on how we think each other should act or be. There is just a natural connection. You accept each other just the way you are. And this is what takes us aback. We’ve never had that one person who accepts us for us or doesn’t expect us to be a certain way.

This love may not be how we imagined love to be and it sure doesn’t follow the rules that we’ve come to know when it comes to love. But instead of disappointment at realising this is the love we didn’t imagine, it shows that love doesn’t have to be how we imagined it for it to be real.

It’s the one that just feels right.

My Three Loves.

As soon as I read one of the many articles on the theory of three Loves, I knew almost straight away who my second love was and who my third love is. It took me a while to recall my first love. Simply because it was during my final school years and I’ve blanked most of those years out of my brain.

I’m not going to start in numeral order. I’m defying the protocol of following lists and going by my own numbering system instead. What a rebel.

So number 2. What a tumultuous, turbulent and long winded relationship. Looking back I used to think the whole relationship and the months we kept trying were a waste of my time and love and wore me down as a person. But after the insight of this theory I think it actually taught me a lot. It taught me what I would put up with as a person. It taught me that when I love something I will fight for it no matter how much damage it is doing to me. But most importantly it taught me how I wanted to be loved. And I wasn’t being loved the right way in this relationship.

It was a very unhealthy relationship. It didn’t even really start off on the right foot. It was unhealthy and failing from the start. But at the time you get blinded by the excitement of a new love. You start creating good times and happy memories with this person and before you know it you’re in too deep. The drama and the manipulation starts. The bad times start happening. The good times come rarely. Instead you’re arguing all the time, calling each other names. Being spiteful. The hurt you cause one another through your words and actions. Yet, no matter how bad they make you feel, at the end of the day you would remember the happy memories and believe that this was all just a glitch. That you would get over it. That you would be able to be happy with this person again. We believe that things will change.

I kept running back to this relationship over a period of four years. It wasn’t healthy. It was full of manipulation, false hope and misery. Neither of us were truly happy with the situation but we both had the mutual belief that it was meant to be and we wanted it to be the perfect love. So we did keep going back to one another because we thought it would change.

I suppose at the time I did want this love to be the perfect love. But looking back it really wasn’t. No amount of good memories and happy times and belief could make me run back to that. Not now and not ever. Instead of the happy memories clogging my brain, I now remember how cutting his words were, how is actions affected me and how miserable I became. How broken. I was like a lapdog. I would go to him every beck and call, even if I thought it wasn’t right, I would convince myself it would work. I ignored the fact that it wasn’t meant to be at all despite everyone around me telling me it wasn’t doing me any good. It was an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. And it never became the perfect love. But it taught me so much. Taught me what I value, what I respect, how much tolerance I will have, how I want to be loved and how to treat others despite how they treat you. It taught me that love isn’t forever and no matter how good things seem, sometimes they just don’t work out. But it also gave me hope. That I would find love now I knew how I wanted to be loved.

My first love. I really thought it was the real deal. I thought it could be The fairytale romance that we often read about. As the articles suggested it did happen in my late teenage years. I was 18. I met him through a mutual friend. It was a pretty fast moving relationship. I behaved in a way with him I hadn’t before.
He made me feel loved. He made me feel wanted. We often met up with each other. I remember one summer’s day just sitting in a park, under a tree and just talking the afternoon away. It had the image of being the idealistic and perfect love.
We had our niggles don’t get me wrong, but it was what I thought love was supposed to be like. We laughed with each other. Went on adventures together. I even stopped being a vegetarian with him. We went to a festival and that was it. That was the end of our love. It took me a while to mend my heart after you. It took me a while to believe in love again. I thought our relationship was the real deal. Everyone said we were good together. That it was obvious we liked one another a great deal.

But maybe, looking back there were cracks. We just plastered over them because I wanted to believe it was the fairytale romance. I wanted to believe it was perfect. But I don’t think we wouldn’t have lasted even if you hadn’t cheated because looking back we weren’t right together and it didn’t feel right. And it wasn’t what love should be. You gave me my first love and I’m grateful for that but I’m also glad you went astray and broke my heart because you let me find my other loves.

My third love. Well I believe this is my current love. It came in the form of F. It was the love that defied the rules and laws. We didn’t meet in the typically romantic way nor was I expecting it. Yes, I was on Tinder but not actively and I never believed I would find love.

This love definitely didn’t fit with my ideals of what love is supposed to be. I didn’t believe that you should go looking for love online by using dating apps. I didn’t believe it was true love that you found online. I always believed that love would find you. You would one day just have your prince charming walk into your life whether out for a coffee, a drink or a night out with the girls. But this love with F definitely defied all these rules of what love is supposed to be and I am so pleased it did. I used to be ashamed to say we met on Tinder because it wasn’t conventional or traditional but now I say it with pride and love. I found the love of my life, my third and final love through a dating app and I feel so lucky to have found that. If it wasn’t for Tinder I wouldn’t have met F and wouldn’t have experienced love.

From the moment we met to this very day, me and F just fitted together. We were so natural with one another. I think we just had a natural connection. We didn’t expect a lot of each other nor have any expectations of what we wanted from one another. This allowed us to each show who we really were to one another and because there were no expectations there was no disappointment. We just accepted each other for the way we were. And as these articles claimed it really does take us aback when someone just accepts us. Has no expectations of us. Loves us and accepts us for who we are despite our many flaws. F accepted me and loved me always straight away for who I was. He continued to love me despite my moods and my highs and lows before I was diagnosed. He accepted it as being a part of me. He didn’t know I suffered with depression and anxiety yet he accepted it and took it on as his own. Even when I was finally diagnosed it changed nothing between us. He still wanted to be with me. He still accepted me for me. He wanted me by his side and he wanted to be by my side because he loved me.

Our love hasn’t really gone by the rule book. It has been full of ups and downs and battles that we didn’t imagine we would have to face. It hasn’t been straightforward or easy at times and isn’t how I imagined love to be. But instead of disappointment in it not being the picture perfect rule following love, like the articles said, it has shown me that despite what  I imagined love to be, it doesn’t have to fit that mould to be real. What me and F have is not like I imagined love to be, but it is everything and so much more and what I believe real love to be.

It honestly is the love that no matter what we go through just feels right.

Everyone’s love story is different and maybe we don’t all experience the three loves. I know many of my friends have fallen in love with their first love when they were teenagers and are still together 10 or so years later. They’re planning their weddings and their futures with the one person that they have ever loved.
I used to envy them and that they had experienced love at such a young age and made it last. They only had that one love. The picture perfect love.

But I don’t anymore. Not after reading these articles. I believe that each love has taught me so much about myself and how I need to be loved. I used to believe at the end of each relationship that there was something wrong with me. That I didn’t deserved to be loved. I started to believe that I would never find love or know what it was like to be truly loved. But it wasn’t necessarily what I was doing. I just had to experience a number of loves before the one that felt right came along. I had to experience the heartbreak of the first, the drama and turmoil of the second, to prepare myself for the the one I didn’t see coming. The one that makes me realise why the others never worked out before. The one that I believe will last. The one that is filled with comfort and love. The one that just naturally fits together. I didn’t mean to find this third love nor did I expect to, but I am so glad that the first two taught me what they did and ended so I could find my third love.

 

 

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Day dedicated to L.O.V.E

I may be a week late but I’ve finally got around to blogging it: my first Valentine’s Day with someone that I love  🙂 And what a night it was! I’m a bit of a lucky girl I’ll have you know. Seeming as I thought I knew F quite well, and knew that he wasn’t the surprising type or overly romantic he definitely bowled me over when I turned up to his on Tuesday evening.20170214_202832_edited

I was requested to get there at 8 and at 8 I got there. Not quite on the dot but I got there.
I didn’t expect anything special from F because I told him I wasn’t into things like that. But it seems he knows me a hell of a lot better than I know myself. I walked in, mellow magic was playing on the radio and I spied the table.

The dinner table was set accompanied with two red tealights and two larger red ca20170215_110502_editedndles. It was so romantic. He informed me that the candles were there because he knows how much I love a good candle! I then spotted the champagne flutes on the breakfast bar and he comes over and gives me flowers 🙊💐. Seeming as they make him sneeze I couldn’t believe that I was being given them. They were a beautiful bunch with a red sparkly heart in the middle of them.

Another surprise was the prosecco! He doesn’t drink prosecco yet he knows my love for it and bought it for us both (he actually rather enjoyed it, so I am having my influence on him 😉).

After a quick pop of the prosecco, I gave him one of my cards. I have a bit of a things for cards. I often buy far more than I need to and more often than not give at least two to the same person at one time. This Valentine’s Day was going to be no different. I like variety. I get a funny/rude one and then a really soppy lovey dovey one. The funny/rude one went down a treat and made F chuckle. It was so relevant to him and it seemed like the card was written about him 😂 I then received mine from him as I handed him his soppy, romantic one.
F knows me well and often gets me my cards from my favourite stationary shop: Paperchase. I love their cards and products. They’re so unique and beautiful that I normally end up spending hours in one of their shops just looking around. F got my card from there and what a cute card it was! It didn’t have the word girlfriend or Valentine’s Day on it but instead it had a picture of a dog with a rose in his mouth saying I like your face. Such a beautiful, simple card. It fits me well and shows just how well F knows me. The thing with Paperchase cards is that more often than not there are no words inside so you have to write your own greeting inside. For anyone that knows me they will know I am a sucker for a good card with personal words written inside. I’d rather that than a present! (Not hard to please, am I?!) F did write some lovely words inside the card and even signed it as ‘your F’. It’s official. He is mine.

20170214_205041_editedAnother sip of the prosecco and dinner was ready. It was lovely and very well cooked by F. Sea bass with lemon and ginger butter sauce, with mixed veg and rice. The candles were lit on the table and mellow magic was still going strong in the background.
Dessert wasn’t until later but as we’re talking about food I might as well give it a mention. F bought me my two other favourite men in my life for dessert, what a threesome this would be: Ben and his pal Jerry with the Karamel Sutra😍 Me and F whilst sat in front of the telly demolished the pot and not a single scrap was left!

As suspected my presents went down a right treat with F. I couldn’t help smiling as he opened them. Just seeing his face was priceless especially with The 1975 vinyl box set. He didn’t open it until after the other presents. To my surprise he was so in awe of my sweet box that I made him. I didn’t think it was that special, but he did. He said it was the nicest thing someone had made him *Blushing face alert*. The 1975 vinyl was whipped out and put to play straight away on his record player and soon The 1975 filled the house. He passed me my gift all beautifully wrapped in bright pink paper with a cute tag saying with love on it. I opened it up and it was Christine and The Queens CD and DVD of her performing live. This was so thoughtful of F. Because I had been unable to go to see her perform live last year and was absolutely gutted but thanks to this DVD I can watch her whenever I want.

Whilst all this was going on there was a very important match for the O’s going on. I used to have no interest in football and now here I was on Valentine’s Day sat with F, eagerly refreshing the BBC sports app and the O’s twitter page awaiting news for the last ten minutes. The O’s were 2-1 down. We were desperate for a win. It had been far too long since we last had one. 88 minutes to go and my phone went off! The O’s had scored, thank God for Massey! 90 minutes came and went and there was 6 minutes extra time. Me and F were both frantically cheering on the O’s through our phones. Still refreshing the pages each second. Then 90+4 was reached. Orient’s page had boldly claimed that Semedo had scored to make it 2-3 to the O’s. We couldn’t cheer until it was official on the BBC. After holding our breath for what seemed forever, the BBC announced the 2-3 win for the O’s. Me and F cheered so loudly. I couldn’t believe it. How was I this excited over football?! But I was happy. So happy.

After calming down, F decided to try and decipher the letter that came with the 1975 vinyl box set. He sat on the arm chair and pulled me onto his lap. We sat there for a while trying to figure it out. I have never felt so comfortable and safe with someone. It’s odd how it is always the little things that put you most at ease.

All in all it was the picture perfect evening and I couldn’t have asked for a better Valentine’s Day. Thank you F. And maybe I am not so anti Valentine’s Day anymore. Who knows, I might celebrate it again next year! 😉

Not Quite Made Girl

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The One, The Only, F.

I would love to introduce you all to the number one man (scrap that, the number one person) in my life. My Boyfriend and best friend, F.
We met the modern way, through a dating app called Tinder. Yes, I resorted to finding love on a dating app, an app with a flame as their logo! I was desperate to be loved and well, like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.

It all began one day in April, a sunny day I’m sure, like all romantic fairy tales start. I must’ve swiped right on him and it came up as a match straight away, so he clearly liked the looks of me and gave a swipe to the right too 😉 Being very old fashioned, despite using modern dating methods, I always believed the boy should message first.
I was bad on Tinder, I barely swiped right on anyone, not because I didn’t like the look of them just because I thought I couldn’t envisage anything with them despite how ‘perfect‘ they looked.
F, an older gentleman by four years, had a picture of him stood in front of a London landscape and another with him in the distance with a pint in front of him. I’m not going to lie, yes the pictures were good, but also the fact that he was older than me was one of the deals for me swiping right. I’ve always had this delusional idea that I wanted to date an older man because he would be more mature and more ‘manly‘. Haha, what a misapprehensive thought, no matter the age, I don’t think a man ever truly grows up, and in some ways that’s a good thing, it helps to keep you young and grounded as a woman too.
I’d only ever dated guys my age, maybe a year older but they all failed. They were toxic. They weren’t what relationships should be. I got cheated on, led on and heartbroken. There were maybe one or two times I thought I could have been in love but looking back, and since being with F, it wasn’t love that I felt with the others, I think it was infatuation, obsession with wanting a relationship, wanting someone to want me, to love me, to need me. I never got those things, I was easy to discard, to boss around, easy to forget.
The reason I turned to Tinder was because these past relationships, I had met in bars and nightclubs and I was fed up of doing things that way. Also, it didn’t help that around the time I turned to Tinder, I had become such a recluse, with few friends and little plans. Even when I did have plans to go out, my anxiety would get the better of me and I would cancel plans last minute, which soon became an annoyance to my friends who stopped trying.

So yes, I turned to Tinder (I keep getting side tracked, every flaming blog goes on a tangent!). It was a way of me not leaving the house yet hopefully building a connection with someone online who then eventually I would have the confidence and trust to meet.

In all honesty I didn’t expect to hear from F and I forgot about him. A few days later I woke up to a new message on Tinder and it was from, go on guess who, no, not Ed Sheeran or Joel Dommett, but F, yes my F! (Ah damn I’ve now given away the ending. Just pretend you have no idea who F is, humour me!)

So we got chatting, the odd message here and there, him attempting to impress me by saying a word in French because he read in my about me that I studied French at university, me eagerly relying with questions about him. This went back and forth a while before we eventually met up. I felt myself gaining confidence just by speaking to him. I was coming out of my shell that I had hibernated under for so long.

He went on holiday to America a couple of weeks after we’d been speaking. I expected our conversation to die out and that be the end of that. To my surprise I did still receive the odd message here and there and he still seemed keen. *jump for joy* he even sent me a picture of him at Times Square!

Fast forward a few more weeks. He is back from America. And we’re arranging to finally meet. It was difficult to find a day where we both were free. I started to think that maybe he didn’t want to actually meet and I got the courage to confront him. I said if he didn’t want to get a drink then that was fine. I’d rather he just told me. I was starting to worry that I could fall for this boy and it wouldn’t be reciprocated, so I thought it was best to get out now rather than later.
However, he surprised me again. He found a day and we were set to meet. We decided on going for a walk at the local park. The day arrived. It was odd. I didn’t feel that nervous. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I wanted to cancel beforehand. I actually wanted to go out. I wanted to meet him, F. Unfortunately it rained all day before we met, and the walk was off. Thankfully we changed location to a local bar instead. I was 10 minutes late, which I was mortified about but I walked in there and there he was. Stood casually by the bar in jeans and a white t-shirt with Homiès written on it. He oozed confidence as he was lent against the bar casually on his phone. He was exactly what I imagined. He was tall. Very blonde and fair. Not my usual type at all. But I was in awe. I couldn’t wait to sit down and get to know more about him. I had not a single ounce of nervousness. He bought me a diet coke (What a gentleman) and we went and sat down. The hours passed. The conversation flowed. I got to learn so much about him, his hobbies, his likes, what he did for a living, his situation. Who he was. I wasn’t disappointed, if anything I was hoping he would want a second date. We walked back to our cars and said goodbye.

We carried on talking. It was a while before we saw each other  again, a month to be precise but a second date was arranged. The first was a success and he actually wanted to see me again. He actually enjoyed my company. I couldn’t believe my luck. The second date came and went. We went for another drink but this time to a different bar and at the end, he kissed me as he said goodbye to me next to my car. Our first kiss! What a good kiss it was. He just went for it. He tells me now that was all he thought about during the date and he thought he should just go for it, and boy am I glad he did.

We got to know each other more and more. Met up a few more times at the same pub. I was up in London on a Saturday seeing my Best Friend and I was meant to be seeing F on the Sunday. I told myself not to get too drunk. But I did. I even drunk texted *cringe*.  I hadn’t told anyone about F up until then. I let it slip to BeeBee because nothing stays a secret for long after a few cocktails and you’re on your phone half the night. I told her I liked him and I couldn’t wait to take the next step up from kissing with him. I couldn’t wait to see him the next day but I was so hungover. I managed to leave the Bestie’s and get the train home but I was in such a bad way I had to postpone seeing F until that evening instead. I almost cancelled but I really wanted to see him. I couldn’t drive that night as I was still so hungover, so F picked me up. We went round his and watched Ferris Bueller’s Day off. Things did get heated but I wasn’t that kind of girl to go all the way straight away. We were just leaving his to take me home when his family walked in. I was mortified. My hair was all over the place and it was so obvious what we had just been up to! We said a quick hello and he took me home.

We got more and more serious but yet I still refused to tell anyone about him. In my head it made sense why I didn’t want to tell people. It wasn’t because I was embarrassed or ashamed, quite the contrary. I was so proud of him, I couldn’t believe he liked me. I didn’t want to tell people because I believed if I did it would jinx me and him and the possibility of a relationship.

We went on several more dates to various places and the date which F now tells me what he believes was when we became official was on the 7th August 2016. This was a good few months after we first started speaking and seeing each other. But it felt right and I agree with him. That was the date I really met his parents when we were at a little local music festival at a local pub. The sun was shining, and we just sat there and talked and enjoyed the music all afternoon. We danced and I had never felt so comfortable around someone. I was myself. There wasn’t a single aspect of me that I hid. I danced how I wanted and so did he and we had fun. His parents were lovely and I couldn’t wait to get to know them more and more.

Our relationship finally reached full level a week later and then there was nothing left unknown between us. This is a bit personal and I apologise in advance. It felt so right with F. I had never felt that with previous relationships but with F it came so naturally without embarrassment, awkwardness or uneasiness. It was fun, exciting and enjoyable. And it has stayed that way since. Even all these months down the line it is still just as entertaining as back then.

Poor F even up to the point where we were officially an item was still not known amongst everyone I knew. Not even my parents knew about him. I just said I was meeting a friend all the time and refused to bring him around the house. It took me months to finally disclose to my parents who I was seeing and finally introduce them to him. It sounds bad but I was so anxious about F meeting my parents. My parents aren’t exactly normal. They argue in front of everyone and I didn’t want F to witness that and be freaked and run. Our house isn’t the nicest house, it is full of clutter and rubbish and half decorated. F lived in a beautiful converted bungalow with his family who were normal, happy and friendly. Nothing like mine.
I needn’t have worried. The day came where they finally met and F stayed. He wasn’t freaked out by them and he still wanted to be with me.

F at the beginning was keen and often suggested plans for us to do. I remember he asked me to go see his sister sing and I just freaked out. I don’t know why. I stopped messaging him and tried to sabotage what I had with him. In my eyes I was doing us both a favour by me not getting hurt in the long run and him not having to put up with me any longer. I woke up the next morning, feeling awful and stupid and couldn’t believe my actions. Luckily F accepted my apology. However, looking back I feel I caused him to no longer be as open about what he wants to do and his wants from our relationship because I’ve always reacted so distant and cold despite that being the opposite of what I was really feeling inside. When I read the text asking me to go see his sister sing I was flattered. He wanted me to spend an evening with his family out in public. He trusted me and wanted to show me to his family. However, I reacted in the opposite way and showed no interest. My anxiety got the better of me. If I could go back I would not have reacted the way I did but I can’t and I hate that. I hope that isn’t why F sometimes holds back on his emotions and feelings with me, because I couldn’t forgive myself if it was. I want him to know I’m so sorry and I wouldn’t behave that way now. I am not that cold person anymore thanks to his help.

As soon as I realised I was falling for F, I hit all panic buttons as I normally do. I started sabotaging my happiness. I kept doubting he wanted me and I kept finding little things to argue about and get uptight about. I was pushing him away because I was so scared at how close I was getting with him and that I could lose it at any moment. My thinking was if I lose it now then I don’t have that fear of losing it further down the line. We had a few rough patches through the months including a time when I stopped messaging him and he thought that he would never hear from me again and a bad one in September where we almost broke up but I promised him I would work on my anger and moods even though I isn’t sure what caused them.

Things got pretty serious and long term orientated when we booked a gig together to see Jamie T for that October and I asked him to accompany me to a You Me At Six gig the same month and Bastille the following month. This was pretty big for me. I have only ever had short term relationships. But this, I could see this lasting and being long term.
We made it to those gigs and so much more. He introduced me to his friends at a party, we dressed in a couple’s Zombie Cheerleader and Footballer costume for Halloween, we went to see movies, visited London attractions and so much more. I had never done so much with someone and enjoyed someone’s presence so much. I was falling in love with F.
Finally on the 7th October 2016, F said he loved me. I remember writing a blog post on my old blog about this day called L.O.V.E and I just went and had a look. I have reposted it on here (Go check it out by clicking L.O.V.E  if you want to have a nose!) because I think it really gets across how I feel about F. Plus it saves me writing it all out again 😛. It was such a simple setting of watching Netflix and just laying there with each other and he just came out with how much I made him happy and that he loved me. I couldn’t wait to say the words back. I realised I really liked him a while back but I was too scared to think it was love because I never wanted to lose F. But as soon as he said those three words, I was so relieved to admit that it was love. I believed that meant we stood a really good chance of being long term. Of lasting.

We then hit a really rocky patch in mid November. I started having really bad low days and F couldn’t understand why. Looking back I know why but at the time I didn’t think anything was wrong. I didn’t think I was acting any differently. In F’s words I became cold, distant and unapproachable. I was miserable and making F miserable as well. On the 24th November our relationship hit a cross roads. I noticed he was distant and I panicked. He wasn’t keen to meet up the following day or for me to stay over, he only suggested drinks. This was the first panic attack that I had had in a few months. The swelling lump in my throat restricting the oxygen from entering my lungs, the tears burning my cheeks and the thoughts racing through my mind: I’ve lost him, we’re over, he’s breaking up with me, he doesn’t like me anymore, I f*cked up again, I’m a screw up, I ruin everything that is good for me. I couldn’t think straight. I rang him up in tears. Begging him. He was convinced that this moody miserable person was who I really was. But it wasn’t. I knew that impostor in my body wasn’t me. I took desperate measures to prove this to F. I begged and begged on the phone to see him. To speak to him. To explain everything. I finally managed to convince him when I said it was time that I told him a bit about my past and convinced him to let me come see him. He was home alone which was perfect, I don’t think I could have faced his parents in the state I was in. I got there and he just opened his arms to me and I stood there in them. Crying. We stood like that for ages. I never wanted to move from that. But I needed to be open with him. It was time to be honest about my past and the struggles I had to make me the way I am. He listened to everything without judging me. He opened up and told me about his past. And in that moment I realised we were more alike then we could have imagined. We both had some similar struggles yet dealt with them in such different ways. We both realised we could get through this. It wouldn’t be easy but we didn’t want to end it over this blip. We now knew each other so much better and I remember the text that I got from him that night when I got home:

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We got through it. It wouldn’t be the last time but we got through it and that was all that mattered at the time. We went on to have more fun times and making memories together. We reached the month of December and I was excited to finally be in love with someone over the Christmas period. I had his Christmas presents all planned weeks, even a month in advance. I had a lovey dovey card all lined up alongside a funny one. I created a little stocking for his presents and got him some novelty gifts which summed up our relationship like a snoring book, a mini golf game and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange amongst other stuff. His main gift was tickets to see his favourite comedian Jimmy Carr. But you know what? As pleased as I was with these presents, his present to me trumped all of it. He got me the most beautiful necklace. It is inspired by the New York Skyline which is one of my favourite places in the world. He didn’t know that. I never told him that yet he got me jewellery which was inspired by my favourite place. It was perfect. The perfect length. The perfect fit. The most perfect gift anyone has got me. I never wear necklaces as I am so fussy about the length yet this one was perfect and goes with everything. Safe to say it hasn’t really left my neck since Boxing Day.

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New York Skyline Necklace

We spent Boxing Day together and he introduced me to football matches. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen I went to my first football match on Boxing Day. I loved it! We were virtually on the pitch with our seats. I loved watching F reacting to the game going on in front of us. His explanations of what was going on. Who each player was. Who he favoured over who. He taught me to love football because I saw how happy it made him and the passion he had for the game. I wanted to join in with that and it was great to experience this with him. I have gone on to go to many more games with him and I am now an avid supporter of the O’s so that worked out well for F! As he said on Saturday ‘his moulding on me is almost complete’.
It is key to note F has never forced me to like any of the things he is interested in. He has simply spoken about them and I have gained interest just from his sheer knowledge and like for them. I feel honoured that he shares his interests with me and wants me to get involved and interested with them. He has opened me to so many new things.

We got through Christmas and we got to New Year! I was so thankful for finding F in 2016 but I couldn’t wait to see what the new year would hold for me and F. As much as I didn’t want the good memories of 2016 to end, I knew there would be many more to come in 2017. It came not long after the start of the year when F suggested we go on holiday. I was shocked. It had come so out of the blue, but I was ecstatic. He actually liked me enough to want to go on holiday together. Admittedly it was originally going to be skiing with his friends but that was a big step in itself. He wanted me on holiday with his friends which he did every year. He wanted me there with him.
Unfortunately skiing never happened. F made it clear he still wanted to go on holiday with me. I didn’t really think he wanted to and was only saying it because he couldn’t take it back. But he meant it. He meant every word. He suggested a variety of little islands to go to for some winter sun. I googled and found a few hotels and flights which were possibilities. We had a few disputes along the road to booking this holiday but I think every couple does when it comes to something like that. F as ever was so laid back about it all, but my old habit of getting uptight about things started creeping back in and making things difficult. Despite this, F persevered with me and booked the holiday. That following Sunday we were off to Lanzarote!

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What a Holiday it was! My mother very unhelpfully said before we left that the ‘Holiday would make us or break us‘. I couldn’t believe she said that but you know what, I had the last laugh because it made us. It really did. I had never spent five days straight with F, nor had we been in each other’s space for that long. For the first time ever, I didn’t get annoyed with spending too much time with someone. Normally I become irritated and short tempered if I spend longer than a couple of days with someone but with F I didn’t. I couldn’t get enough of the time we were spending together. We got into our own routine out there. Had our local bar we went to every night before our meal. We went on excursions, bike rides, sat by the pool, stayed in the room, watched TV and read our books. I felt like a real adult in a real adult relationship. It was everything I wanted. We had one night where we spoke about a lot of deep things. I told him so much. So much that I have told no one before. He seemed worried at parts but he still had that look of love and care in his eyes as I told him.
The holiday flew by and it was time to get back on that plane to go back to a snowy home! And that’s where you guys started my journey with me. The plane journey and the panic attack I had was the catalyst of my eventual breakdown.

I am not going to lie. My relationship with F hasn’t been easy. There have been so many ups but there have also been a fair few downs. Being in a relationship with someone who was suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness and that individual not aware when their moods change must have been so tough on F. I can’t admire him or thank him enough for his understanding, his help, his support and his love through the past six or seven months. I know he has had points where he has wanted to run away from our relationship and knock it on the head before it got worse but he didn’t. He has sat there and put up with me telling him that I know he wants to end it with me, sat there and listened to the far fetched worries that come out of my mouth when my anxiety is bad, the moods, the coldness, the distance, the arguing but he has also got to experience the real me. The happy, colourful me as he puts it. He wants that girl back and he wants to help me get her back. I can’t thank my lucky stars enough for sending F into my life. He has been amazing. No words could ever put into how much I appreciate his help and his support and his love. His encouragement the past few weeks has been all that I need to get myself through this rough patch and his claims of how proud of me he is and how I am coping are all I can ask for and are what get me through my lows.

We’ve had so many happy memories. The photos I have got of just the last six months of us together brings such a smile to my face. I have made him happy and I want to continue to do so. At one point he thought I could be his one. He sent me a text after we had an argument in the September and although the beginning of the message was heart wrenching, when I read the second bit I knew I had a reason to fight for us and so did he.

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I hope he still thinks that. I hope he still sees that future with me. I never wanted kids or marriage or any of that. I thought I didn’t deserve it. I would never make a good wife or a good mother. But with F, I can picture it. I can see that kind of future down the line. I still to this day tell him I don’t want kids because I don’t want him to know I have changed my mind as a result of being with him because it could freak him out and I don’t want to do that.

Yes things do change when you’ve past the newness of a relationship but I think it gets even better once your past that stage. You have that one person who you can share your world with. You have different kinds of excitement and things to look forward to. You have that one person you know you can call and just hearing their voice makes you forget the world. You still get those butterflies after all these months when you are getting ready to see them. You argue and bicker and get annoyed with one another but it never lasts long. You now have your own jokes amongst the two of you, your own habits and routine that you both share. You have the memories you have made and you also have the excitement of making new ones. You have milestones to reach. There’s always something to look forward to. You’ve finally found that person that feels like the other half of you. You respect each other’s space but you also get comfort from being with each other.

I have all this and so much more with F. The amount of good memories we have. My room is filled with photos and mementos from all the memories we have made together. As much as F has supported me, he has also had my support. I have tried my best to there for him when he was feeling low over work or when he’s had a worry or two. I love being able to be there for him and that he feels and knows he can turn to me. I may not have all the answers that he needs but as long as I can be there to listen, to try my best to help and simply ease his worries then that’s all I can hope for.

F knows me better than anyone. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He has introduced me to so many new things and interests; Strictly Come Dancing, Supporting the O’s, going to football matches, watching the Cricket, Tennis and Golf on the TV. He has taught me to change how I look at life: instead of being so uptight about everything, I have learned that just being relaxed and easy going about things often gets things done a lot quicker and simpler. He has taught me not to worry, not to lose my temper at the little things. He has shown me just what true love is: he has stuck by my side when I’ve been at my lowest, he has continued to support me despite him not knowing what the problem initially was. He still, after everything, looks at me with such love and affection. He isn’t ashamed of me and my troubles. He isn’t embarrassed. He often tells me how beautiful and gorgeous I am, how lucky he is to have me, how I am all his and how things he does is for me. He makes me a cup of tea every morning when I stay at his, he constantly kisses my forehead reassuring me that everything is okay, that he loves me. He isn’t as open about his feelings and his wants from his life and our relationship as I would like him to be. Nor is he overly romantic or soppy, but I don’t care. I don’t want him to change. I love his calm approach to life, his honesty especially when I’ve stepped out of line in a situation. I love his little quirks, his jokes – his very very bad Dad jokes 🙈. His snoring, his nail biting, his dancing, his singing. His fashion, his smile, his hair, his body. His personality. How proud he is of me. How he calls me gorgeous and beautiful. His love for his family. His enthusiasm for all things sports. His passion in life. His confidence and his beliefs. His walk, his driving, his voice. His quirky mannerisms. His texts, how he calls me baby. The way he rests his head on my shoulder or on my lap. The way he scrunches his nose against the pillow. The way he lent me his hoodie and insisted I keep it so we have matching hoodies. The way he puts up with my family even though I know he isn’t a fan of them. Our nights in together, watching him play the guitar and guitar hero, cooking dinner together, watching films and TV series. The honesty and openness we have when talking about our most personal wants, how there’s no awkwardness or embarrassment between us. The way he cuddles me in his sleep, the comfort I feel in his arms, the reassurance of his forehead kisses, the way his hand always searches for my hand, but most of all I love him. All of him. The good, the bad and the ugly as the saying goes. I’d happily take it all on for the rest of my life. The highs, the lows, the laughs, the tears, the memories, the memories yet to be made. I want it all and I want it all with him. I love him with every part of me and I don’t see that changing. In my eyes, he is my one.

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Our “Matching Hoodies (matching in the sense they are both bright red).

Not Quite Made Girl

P.S. Thank you Tinder for introducing me to this fine specimen of a man!

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