Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you. 

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning. 

I’ve done so much these past three weeks F. I think you’d be so proud of me and so happy for me. If only you could see how generally smiley and perky I am at times. In situations that I used to hate but now thrive in. How I’m dealing with my thoughts and behaviours. How I’m learning to believe and accept I’m responsible for my behaviour and that I’m the only who is capable of changing that.

I’ve been socialising so much. I’m so much friendlier. I feel more approachable.  I even speak to people on train journeys now. I’m asking questions. I’m showing interest in people. I’m no longer running home from work to message you or to see you. I’m doing me for a while and it’s paying off. 

I’ve gone drinking with work this week. Played fun drinking games. A shot roulette. You would have cringed at the shot I got bought and been almost sick at what I bought the person after me: whiskey, aperol and milk! I know, it’s disgusting but it was such a pretty colour, even if it did curdle. 

People at work have been open with me. They said I’ve always been so positive. That I always seem so perky. Some of them hadn’t even realised that I’d been dumped and was heart broken. They said I’m always so happy and positive. How polite I am. See F, I am a good person.  I can be positive and I can be happy. I’m sorry I just lost that with you and found it harder to hard from you. But I’m learning not to hide it any more. I’ve told some people at work about my anxiety and depression and although they were shocked they didn’t judge me. And I feel such a weight off my shoulders. I feel I can finally be open about everything. I don’t have to hide it and burden it on the select few I choose. I can relieve that and just say I’m having a shit day and not worry about hiding it. No more turning to You, or my parents or Bee, and making you all miserable with me. Instead I can just be vocal and lose myself in conversation and socialising at work as they all seem so keen to keep me involved with things and help. 

Sorry it took so long for me to relieve your pressure. But things had to change from my perspective before anything else could change and as I wrote in my blog about change, I’m finally there. I’m finally embracing change. 

I went to St. Neots this weekend. I bit the bullet and travelled up there despite my anxiety trying to win. I went even though I was worried about Bee’s friend who moaned about me on twitter. I went even though I didn’t want to do the train journey up there. I went, even though I felt I couldn’t. Not when I was meant to have been going to Orient vs Woking away with you and your friends. But I did it! I went with very little issue and resistance and I had fun! I saw the Dragon boat races, tried the dresses on and had a fun, girly evening with my bestie and the other girls with bottles of prosecco and cards against humanity! I forgot I needed to do these kind of things. I forgot to socialise. I forgot the importance of keeping my friendships. I’m sorry I  became so reliant on you. I’m sorry. 

I’m happier F, not because we’re not together but because I’ve realised I am my own person and can be okay! I’m not all bad. I just need to be more open and honest and learn to say yes more. 

However, I have a slight niggle. It’s not helping me. I appreciate you sending me messages and hearing from you but please don’t when you know that you were the one to end it. You were the one who never saw a future. You’ve got to stop giving me that belief. That little ray of hope of returning to normality with you. Because I can’t do that as friends. I could only do that with you if there was a chance of a future. There was too much there for me between us to just pretend to be friends. It hurts more than not talking to you. 

Why do you message? Why do you keep the conversation going? Please, just stop. It’s not helping. Please don’t like my Instagram photos either. I don’t need your likes nor do I want them anymore. I don’t want your pitty on a photo that only got a couple of likes. You’re not interested in my life F. You’re not interested me. So why do it? 

I wish so much that you did all that because you still liked me. That you still saw a future for us. But I’m facing reality and facts and know that you have no intention of that. So please, don’t. Unless I’m wrong? But I doubt that. I never was right when it came to anything between us. You always were right. Haha. 

Thank you, but no thank you bubs. I can’t keep facing the disappointment and wondering. 

But look F, I’m living.  I’m coping. I’m surviving and I’m doing it just fine. I miss you so much. And I crave your touch. Your hug. Your kiss and your love. But I’m getting by and I’m changing and that’s all I can keep doing for now. I just wish you could see it for yourself F, I think you’d love this other version of me so much more. 

Siggy

Dear F (5),

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I've come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn't do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren't, were you? You weren't all that? You weren't everything I thought or made you out to be.

I've been so quick to blame myself. That I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the one who has caused all this. I'm the one who is at fault. But it isn't just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn't solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn't support me. You didn't help me. You didn't have my best interests at heart. You didn't put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn't have. That's not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I'd sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn't let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F (5),”

Progress Update 103

Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination. 

Image result for high five gif

Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter's day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways. 

Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn't care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn't going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work. 
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself. 

On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people's advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. 
Continue reading “Progress Update 103”

What do you do? 

What do you do when the one person who you loved most walks out of your life without a single care? How do you carry on living? How can you carry on as just one person when you’ve been part of a two for so long? How do you face your fears without your best friend by your side?

I’m struggling. Really struggling today. I’ve been sent home from work. My lack of food is affecting me but I have such little care for looking after the small things such as nourishing myself. I’m too focused on what I’ve lost and what I need to do to win him back.

I try to distract myself and avert my thoughts but I keep finding my brain running back to memories of me and F and all the things we had planned.

I lost all hope today that I would ever get him back. I feel I’m fighting a one sided battle. I’m on my own and there’s no victory in sight. I don’t get to have him back at the end of all this.

Continue reading “What do you do? “

Update

Well, hi. It has been a while. I am sorry to those who have been worried and to those who I have not replied to but it has been a crazy few months. A lot has changed, and last night my whole world fell apart, as F dumped me.

These last few months I have been so up and down and I have been unbearable at times. I started a new job, my brother got caught up in the London attacks, F got a flat and moved into it and I just generally was learning to battle with my emotions.

I loved my job at first. I really did. It was exciting, it was new. It was everything I thought it would be and more. However, in the last month and a half or so, I have been struggling to fit in and feel comfortable at work. I have such a different mantra to those I work with. We have different beliefs, different views and very different politics. Normally, I am so easy going and am not affected by difference, but in this job it is so prominent and unless you think their way, you are seen as a bit of an oddball, so I have had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself about certain things, especially when the elections were happening. Work has also slowed down incredibly. Most days I am sat at my laptop, just staring at the screen trying to think of things to do. I have planned most of my best friend’s hen party at work thanks to these slow times, but now that’s almost finished being planned, I have very little else to do.

Continue reading “Update”

Hot ‘N’ Cold 

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down. 

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years.  Continue reading “Hot ‘N’ Cold “

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”