Eureka! šŸ’”

It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:

Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I’d never see the day

They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.

So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.

Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. I was so alone. So desperate. I wasn’t functioning. I shut myself off from the world. I stopped blogging. Stopped replying to those around me. I was at the point of just curling up into a ball and just disappearing. I couldn’t see any other way out. I didn’t want to continue living that way of life. The fear. The anxiety. The worry. The unknown. The uncertainty. The lows. The sadness. The questioning. The darkness. The thoughts. The helplessness. The desperation.

A few weeks later and I am in the best place that I have been in a long while. I got there. I got there mostly on my own but I had tremendous help from therapy with IAPT and also my wonderful other half, F. I have been so lucky to have had both of these supports over the last few months. They’ve not always known the full truth of how I have felt, or the actions I have taken, and they’ve not always fully understood the situation but without them, especially the love and care of F, I don’t know where I would have ended up.

Therapy taught me that my worries aren’t worth it. They’re mostly hypothetical. I can’t control them. There’s nothing that I can do that will change the outcome. Therefore there’s no point worrying and getting anxious about it. I’ve learnt to deal with my worries for half an hour each night when I have time to myself and decided how I want to deal with them and if there’s anything I can do to control them. If there’s nothing I can do then I just put it in the box and forget about it. I’ve learnt that when I am having a worry to concentrate on the details on an inanimate object next to me. What colour it is. The texture. All the fine details. That way I take my mind of the worry and focus on something else that has no impact on me and my worries.

F. Me and F. What a whirlwind the past few months have been for us. We almost broke up. I became so dependent on him. So obsessed with him. So needy for him that it was destroying us. I felt so much pressure from those around me and that of society with regards to mine and F’s relationship that I let it get in the way of me and F just simply enjoying each other’s company and being happy and relishing in that. We lost it. We lost us. We lost our jokes. Our easiness. Our happiness. I let my depression and anxiety intervene. I let what society expected get in the way.

These days, there’s so many pressures when it comes to a relationship. There are so many expectations. It seems these days everyone is in such a rush. They have to move in together. Get the ring on their finger. Get married. Have kids. There’s such a rush at such a young age. But when we rush into it all, what have we then got to look forward to?
Why can’t we simply enjoy just being two separate individuals, who enjoy each other’s company, love each other and want to spend time with each other without having to feel the need to confirm your love for one another with gestures such as moving in. Why isn’t spending time together enough anymore? Why isn’t that enough of a gesture? Why does there have to be so much more? We’re only young and I am so excited for the future with me and F. But for now, I am so content and comfortable with seeing him as and when I do, and creating fun memories and moments with him. I look forward to the milestones with him, but right now, this milestone of simply being in a relationship and happy is more than enough for me. For us. We’re happy. We’re on the same page (after a very awkward and public chat. Almost breaking up at a beer festival then sitting in the woods discussing every little thought and worry we had. But I am so glad we had that chat. That awkward, hurtful, upsetting moment. It finally got everything out in the open. We finally both understood each other. We both had a weight lifted off our shoulders. It allowed us to be us again. Us, who were so in love, so happy. So weird and always laughing. Going with the flow of life and enjoying it). We’re a happy couple who are living in the present and I wouldn’t wish for anything more.

I must confess. I finally started a full-time job two weeks ago. This has helped immensely with my recovery. It has offered me a distraction from my worries and my thoughts. It has given me something to focus on. Get up for each day. New challenges to face. New people to meet. A new way of everyday life.
I was so anxious. So sick at the thought of starting this job. I was worried about the interactions with new people. The routine. The getting up each day and getting out of bed. Having to plaster a smile on my face everyday and appear to be happy. But a few days in and I felt at ease. I loved the distraction. The opportunities that I was being given. The people I was working with. The excitement of each day.
I love it. And it has helped me feel human again. I feel I have a worth. I have a reason for being here.

All this put together has helped me more than words can express. I am so, so grateful. Life is a beautiful thing once you realise how precious it is. How many opportunities are surrounding you. The feeling of being loved by someone so greatly. Meaning so much to people. Having a role in everyday life. Having an impact on a business, a situation or a person. You can achieve it. You do have a purpose. You are so worthy and so deserving of a happy life. It just might take a bit longer than you first thought. But it will get better. Just please stick on in there and your endurance, determination, perseverance and patience will pay off. You are a strong person and you will get your time. Please, don’t give up.

Not Quite Made Girl

x

MIA

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.

I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.

Therapy:

So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.

I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.

My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session. 

Third session was even more rushed and unhelpful. It was barely 20 minutes before we said our goodbyes and I was out the door. No techniques to deal with the lows. Not a lot was said except the next session might be my last. 

Medication: 

I was taken off my Prozac and put on a different tablet because the Prozac was not doing anything. This new tablet, I’m really not a fan. I don’t feel comfortable on it at all. I’m worried it is slowing my reactions down. That it’s making me gain weight. That it’s making me very high then very low. I hate it. I’ve stopped taking it because I’m convinced it is more harmful than good. Probably shouldn’t just stop all medication so abruptly but at the end of the day if I’m not comfortable with it then I’m going to stop. I felt it was really messing with me. I felt spaced out at times. Felt weird. I haven’t taken it since. 

I’m struggling. Really struggling. I’m so low. But I don’t want to restart taking the stronger tablets again. I can’t get an appointment for a month and even then it’s not with my normal doctor. I can’t get an evening appointment either so I’d either have to have half a day at work and take the morning as holiday or just forget it and hope I sort myself out. 
Job

Well for once I’ve got quite a bit to write about on this section. I’ve finally had a bit of luck. I’ve finally been given a chance.

A couple of months ago my auntie sent me a text telling me that her best friend’s son told her to get me to send him my CV so he could pass it on where he worked to see if anything was going.

I was in a very low place when I got this text and completely blanked it and ignored all existence of it. Then about a month or so ago me and F were out with my Auntie having drinks to celebrate her birthday and she mentioned the text. I tried to change the subject but F was already hooked on the conversation. He was adamant after hearing about the company that it would be a great opportunity for me. So long story short he kept asking and asking me if I had sent my CV off.

Long story short, after three interviews, I was offered the job. At first I was kind of excited then I didn’t really know what to think, then I was excited again and then I got anxious. Sickly anxious. Which didn’t go too well with my already low mood. 

All through the process I’ve been very up and down about the situation. A bit excited. Anxious. Worried. Panicked. Happy. Sad. I felt all emotions through it all. 

I had my first day this week and by the evening I was snuggled in bed in tears. There was nothing particularly wrong with my first day and the people are lovely but I just don’t feel mentally or physically ready for this all. But maybe once I get into the routine of it all I will start to feel better. Once I’m fully emerged in my role maybe I’ll feel more human again. 

Boyfriend

Well the next topic was going to be about how me and F were getting on but I already covered that in my previous post:

Im just generally exhausted with everything at the moment. I don’t know how I’m feeling from one minute to the next. I don’t know if I’m ready for life and everything it involves. I’ve got no choice but to be but I just sometimes wish I could curl up and maybe not exist for a while. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

X

Day 7: If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and why?

Urmm. Not sure how to tackle today’s writing challenge.

We all as kids have the belief that we know full well what we want to work as when we grow up. We think it will happen. That we won’t change our minds or that other things in life might take over. We don’t realise at this young age all the opportunities and variety of jobs available to us.

As a child you are taught the well known jobs. Taught to aspire to be one of them. A lawyer. A vet. A doctor. A teacher. A banker. A fireman. An actor. A singer. But we’re not taught about all the opportunities in wider fields such as engineering, marketing, advertising, art.Ā 

As a child I was desperate to be a vet or a teacher. I used to sit in my room with a register full of names and tick of the teddies who were present in front of me. I used to collect stationary and stickers to pretend to give to my toys. I was adamant up until a few years ago that I wanted to be a teacher. Ā A teacher in languages. However, after a year abroad working as a teacher, I soon reached the realisation that I wasn’t cut out to teach. I didn’t enjoy it all. So that was teacher struck off my list of jobs I wanted to have.

I also wanted to be a vet. I used to watch animal rescue and animal hospital on the telly. Read animal ark books. Show an interest in anything which helped looked after animals. I became adamant I could become a vet. The 5 or 6 years of studying didn’t bother me. But as I got older the one thing that was holding me back was blood and broken bones. So basically the main things you need to deal with as a vet. I got more and more screamish about watching any kind of animal programme which consisted of surgery to the animal or any sight of blood. That soon put an end to my hopes of becoming a vet and helping animals when they needed it the most.

I was in limbo for years about what I wanted to do as a job. My parents kept pulling me in the direction of working in law, as a barrister or a lawyer. They also suggested a translator. They encouraged me to study French at University and aim to be a translator or work with the foreign office. I, however, when I got to university realised my weakest skills in language was translating so that was a very quick bye bye to a job in translating.

It wasn’t until my second year of university that I started to develop an interest in a new career. Marketing.Ā I loved the idea of it. I did a couple of modules in French on it and fell in love with the idea. My lecturer used to work in marketing and I always eagerly listened to stories he would tell from when he worked in marketing. I wanted a career that he had. It sounded something that would suit me and I could actually do well at.

I applied and applied for marketing roles to enter into for when I finished university but unfortunately there was far too much competition and many people with an actual marketing degree.

After doing an internship one summer with a marketing and events department in the city I knew more than ever that that was exactly what I wanted to enter in to.

To this day I’m still applying left, right and centre for a role in marketing or events but I’m still waiting for that one company to take a gamble on me. I may not have the marketing degree but I’m a fast and eager learner, and will soon learn the ropes. I’m quite independent but can also work as part of a team when needed to. I have a passion for this sector. Ā And when someone has passion for something they give it their all and do all that they can to fulfill it and more.

So yes, I went from wanting to be a teacher, to a vet to now wanting to work in Marketing & Events.

A lot further down the line my dream job would definitely be to be a wedding/party planner but first I want to work in the city organising events for the promoting of the company and their clients, marketing the company and their products to attract more clients and to write marketing material for the company to send out.

That’s my dream job. It isn’t too much to ask for, is it?

Day 7: CompleteĀ āœ”ļø

Not Quite Made Girl
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