Change is hard at first…

Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma 

Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)

whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change? 

I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me. 

Dear F, (2)

Dear F,

Having so much time to think about things, is doing so much to me. It is helping, it is hindering, it is hurting and it is making me determined. I have the time to think back over our whole relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly and the happiness.

I have thought about my behaviour non stop. It is continuously at the forefront of my mind and I am so careful watching those around me and how their behaviour is different to mine.
I have been watching reality TV programmes, you know me and my love for such rubbish, I mean look I got you into Love Island, so they can’t be that bad! But yes, I have been watching Teen Mom both in the UK and the US. I know their lives are so different, and so are their circumstances, but their behaviour on screen is quite similar to how I could be at times with you. I am not saying that excuses my behaviour, because it doesn’t, but for so many people that seems to be the norm. Having moments of exploding, of spitefulness of hurt.
Witnessing those around me at work and the way they speak about certain things. There is hostility in them over the smallest of things. They do lose their tempers, even in the work place. You hear of arguments that they have had with their partners, and often it is over something so small but it still cause a row. An argument. And things being said that they didn’t mean.
Even just watching strangers on the commute to work, walking past them, hearing their phone calls, there’s not a day that goes by where you don’t hear at least a few people arguing on their phone, whether it be with a family member, a colleague or the love of their life.